Just got to Moan!

I returned to work after a few days off yesterday, after some discussion with a colleague I decided to take up the response, and this little decision made yesterday the record of my life. I went to the female ward twice, and physically restrained and put two persons in the seclusion rooms.

For the first one, she was kind of abusive and fighting back when I got there. I had to restrain her on her feet (which I think I did it correctly), but my right arm was hurting awfully. After some struggles of 20 minutes as she wouldn't cooperate, we got her there. I got 4 bruises in both of my hands, and when I got home I found one big bruise on my thigh.Another staff even fell over. I thought the incident was bad, and so decided to take a break after that. After I returned, the alarm went off again, so again I went to the same ward. I saw a patient standing by the garden door completely naked, stood by her was a male staff and another female staff who was just about coming to help. I took over the male staff, and we tried to cover her with a bed sheet, and brought her to the therapy room. We helped her to put on some clothes there. She was still crying, shouting that she was very scared, and describing what happened to her in the past. The charge nurse then decided to put her in the seclusion on our ward (this ward is next to us). Although I see completely no point of doing so (why would you put someone who was scare and crying, and not harming/hurting anyone in the seclusion room?!), I did what we were told. She was crying and saying she was scared throughout.

So that was what happened to me as a response nurse, within 3-4 hours. I went home feeling sorry for them, tired, and telling myself I wouldn't want to be on this job for anytime longer than this. It wasn't that I don't like my job, it was just that I don't think we're helping them, and this is bad. This is of a caring job, we're supposed to be helping them.

This morning I came back for a long day (a 14.5hours shift with an hour break which you don't get it sometimes). I was supposed to take someone back to his parents' home (in theory this is meant to be part of therapeutic recovery). Because of what happened in the past, I came prepared. As we left, he was getting abusive to me... I couldn't convince him to come back with me, so I had to call the ward and they got the unit coordinator and the response team in a van to come to the train station to pick him back (we walked there). So all I had to do was to convince him to stay there, and wait for another escort as such (given that he thinks he was annoyed by me). It then went okay as things go and he came back. He was becoming remorseful and kind of apologized (but that is him, the fluctuation of his mood and behaviours). I got to say I felt fully supported by this qualified nurse who picked up the call and supported me throughout. She clearly knew what happened in the past and was imagining if that was going to happen to me, I was almost in tears. But later as things go I feel much better. (Other than those occasionally awful incidents, there are many other who can often cheer me up)

I'm actually on my break now. I don't know what I'm feeling and thinking, about this job, about working here, about the patients here. I'm not angry at or upset by any patient as far as I'm concerned, but I slowly realized what annoys me was the staff (the pm shift staff), and it had nothing to do with the patients who are not well (that's why they are here; although for many instances I'd say it was actually the system here that drives them unsettled).

It's a lot easier to in fact deal with the so-called mad people, then those who are "normal", but lazy, sarcastic, ignorant  and uncaring (especially when they are in a caring job!). 

Tulips!

Got to admit I didn't make very good decision this time, wasn't being considerate enough to realize I might not be able to cope with a long day before flying early in the morning.

I mean, I'm on a 12 hours shift long day tomorrow, 2.5 hours away from where I live, and I have to come back and get ready for an early flight the next day..

I always believe in making the impossibles possible, but the long day tomorrow is ruining my holiday mood, and I have yet to mention, I'm FINALLY going to Amsterdam! It's been more like a dream saying to go and not being able to "achieve" it.

Hope all go well and tulips are all blossoming waiting for us!

I still have some essays that I don't know what to do with it. It's just not something that I have done before and despite swallowing 3-4 chapters of the book I still don't get how to start and what to do with it :(

I used to think all this will come to an end once I completed Spring term. But it doesn't seem like it. Haih. When all these are over I hope I can then enjoy doing my research. The British data collection has completed, Malaysian participants and Msian in UK is on their way. I do really struggle to get enough people for MSinUK. On one hand I wouldn't put too much pressure on people, but on the other the pressure is on myself if I couldn't get enough people. I do appreciate those who really tried hard to help, especially some who aren't even very close friends...

Hoping to go to Turkey and Egypt at least, during Summer. At best if pama can come, at best they can all come...

Where I live and love. It always reminds me to be grateful, to slow down and feel the now and then.

Stressful, Emotional, Contented

Handed in the first assignment and did a presentation yesterday. Spent over 12 hours in the uni. Got to know my supervisor today. Working (as in as a health care assistant not a master student) tomorrow all the way till Wednesday morning next week.

This life ain't easy. Another 3 pieces of assignment due in 2 weeks. I hope there is another huibee to help out a little bit.

Ryuji (my presentation group mate, japanese) said, he could feel everyone's stressful too, because everyone gets angry really easily, everyone is like really impatient now. True. I told him I get angry really easily now. With my flatmate Akansha (Indian) closing the door loudly a few times at night and in the morning every day, I spoke to her for the 3rd time about the same thing just now. I actually said "Fuck You" when it happened again. Lol. No, I won't fuck you. Sorry.

Most of the time I'm actually quite happy, despite the stress. I feel contented when I have a lot done, especially nowadays I like to stay in the library and work till evening, with my macbook. Most of the time will be quite lucky to bump into some other stressful big-headed friends who are also rushing for something. But undeniably my emotion fluctuates so much, just slightly better than bipolar mood disorder I believe, slightly.

I made some friends. Met some ASEAN (mainly Malaysian and Singaporean) friends, a Chinese from SiChuan whom I quite like to befriend in my class, a Jap guy that I mentioned already, a Germany girl who is also in my presentation group, and another two Malaysians who took some modules with me. Of course, I also made quite some Hi-and-Bye friends.

Last week I was so fed up with my work manager Phil that I thought about leaving work. Someone who offered to help me turned me down and I nearly had to sleep on the street last week. They said when god closes one door, he will open a window for you. So within 5 minutes the window showed up, then I realized how lucky and blessed I am. Not fed up anymore. But I really want to know whether I should keep the job, and I wonder who can give me the answer.

I bought a Christmas present for the work "secret santa" game. I wrapped it up nicely and cut the letters of her name down from a magazine (poor magazine!) and sticked them on the wrapping paper. I wonder who my secret santa is?!

Damn it when I'm typing this, a Black man opened my door!!!!! I think he's the Jamaican flatmate, Kady's friend. Walao =.=. I'm still in shock. He said sorry and closed the door back. I didn't even smile. It's not okay. I won't smile! (See how easy I get angry!!) Okay, nevermind. By the way my flatmates are all nice, despite what I said about them.

Oh how can I forget that there will be a Malaysian Chinese moving into the flat upstairs next week. I know her from facebook - ha ha, random, I know! But it was because we were all looking for people who're from same kampung before we came to Sussex. (How come chrome didn't pick up "kampung" as a spelling mistake?!?!?!) So next time there will be someone who can have dinner with me or travel back from uni with me (she likes to stay in library to study too).

All these look so random and schizophrenic. Just some screen shots of my life recently. Christmas holidays in two weeks. I really want to ski!! But nobody is interested to go with me so far :(

I think I should talk to mama/family more. It always makes me feel better (no matter what random things we say). And I really want to meet my niece... by the time I meet her, she's probably no longer a baby!!

Big Fat Bully

Bully is home. It makes me depressed. I am supposed to be very jovial as I'm off for the next few days after three long days. But hearing his voice makes me sick.

I'm going to act like nothing happens, and like he's invisible. Can't wait to move out.

People are sick.

Riots started from Tottenham and London and now all across the UK. I can still hear ambulance and police siren out there while I'm writing this. I wonder what's wrong with these people, with this mindless and disgraceful acts, what have they achieved?

Now people lost their home, some with little babies. Some people lost everything in their shops. Today when I was on the way back home from work, I saw a shop which glasses was broken, put a note out saying "This shop is close, there is nothing inside". The looters have got what they wanted, by breaking the glasses and went in to pick what they want. It even came out on the news that some chaps even went into JD sports to try on trainers during the riots! Pure madness.

Initially I didn't think it was this bad. Because apparently a mum from Tottenham said on the evening the building was set on fire, there were youth running on the corridors shouting "Fire" and even helped her to run with her kids. Alright so I assumed they weren't going to hurt people, at least they don't want anyone killed. But now, after three nights in a row and now the fourth, I think they are nowhere thoughtful even if they've done that. They're young teenagers, who don't even know what they're doing, what have happened and are going to happen, they're doing it because others are doing it - all credits to our social medias, to spread the news to call for gathering.

Now some are blaming the migrants, the whites blaming the blacks, the blacks blaming the government. But it turns out really obvious (from the CCTV) that it wasnt just a particular group of people. There are black, white, brown, oriental, purple and green (well they're all covered, who knows some are purple/green?!! Cowards, if you're so brave to have done this, why not show your face?!). Also, a video on youtube shows a Malaysian student was actually robbed by those rioters after injured during the riots.

Anyway, I'm just grumbling. I still managed to go to work today. Enfield town seems to be under controlled now. It's 'good' that it was attacked on the 2nd night, so police were ready to defend it (after 1st night), and there's now police officers everywhere (so hopefully nothing major is going to happen again). Oh by the way, all these were claimed to start because of Mark Duggan was [fatally] shot by the police. I don't know what's true or not, apparently people, including the officers can say whatever they want, but it's quite sure that he is not an innocent man. But then I also believe he was just used as an excuse.

One of the colleagues was saying they should really bring the army in, which I do not agree with. I think if the whole thing isn't dealt very sensitively, things are going to get real bad. Though I agree, their government is rather soft (I've not even seen tear gas yet so far! they only brought some big dogs when it happened in Enfield), and you know what, they talk TOO much about human right. Put it this way, to be considerate to those rioters and rooters and arson-ers and whatevers, and consider so much about their human rights, then who is going to stand up for the human right of we the innocences and victims?

But then after watching the news, I'm thinking what's wrong with the young generation? is it them to be blamed? or the society, the parents, the adults?! What makes this people being brought up in this society yet turn around and become rioters and creating mayhem? The news said some (of the rioters) are uni graduates, college students, graphic designers, army-to-be etc. If they're happy and healthy mentally, why would they have done this?

I despise you

I wasn't feeling very well (physically + psychologically) when I went to work today. Physically unwell was due to the weather - the temperature just dropped so much suddenly T__T

I am not very sure why I wasn't in very good mood, until before I got home, I spoke to one of the patients in games area, and that really helped. I think I helped him, and in return that has helped me indirectly.

What we discussed made me realized I am really not happy with those qualified nurses who want to work awful loads of bank shifts and long days, but come to work and sit in front of computer, surf the net and do online shopping, otherwise gossiping about others. These people think only about their pay, never have one to one with their patients, never spend time outside the office, never understand their patients. They never think how to help the patients. They never know whether their patient is happy, is feeling safe, is ok, is progressing in the ward. They care nothing but money.

I don't know how they become a nurse, a nurse without a heart of helping patients getting better. I told the patient I wanted to speak to the ward manager regarding that, and he said no. He said he was telling me because he treats me as a friend, and those are friends talk, he said it's ok, he can get himself out of there and he is progressing, he can talk to the consultant every week (or sometime fortnightly). I feel sad for this whole system, for them. Those people are so well paid to help them, yet they get no help, nobody talks to them. There was once he requested to have a one to one with his named nurse, the named nurse asked him to wait till weekend, but nothing happened during the weekend. The fact is, those named nurses are supposed to ask to have one to one with the patients! Then I told the patient, I know and have seen all these happen in front of me, yet I could do nothing. That's why I was so upset. Actually it might not be true.. I think I could do something.. =)

Pure Grumbling

I'm just surprised how people can make a whole big issue when they're jealous and had been looking so hard to pick on you.

And I'd been waiting for someone who actually wasn't happy about it to come to talk to me face to face, and guess what? Nobody mentions it at all. They chose to back-stab me. I know why, because they never really get the opportunity. Now that they've got it, they will make full use of it.

But I'm still grateful. For people who know me, who would stand up for me, and would tell me face to face about it and about these people. So I learnt, learnt from the mistake, learnt their true faces and learnt how I'm going to return the favour next time, although I don't think I'm evil like them! BUT I will try! =/

P.S. actually there is only one person, yet I'm saying "they" because I know how easily people get themselves into those gossips and backstabbing.

P.S. 2 Being excellent in my own job is just my nature. Stop being jealous!

Hmmph!

Can't bear this bad feeling after the phone call =S

I wonder if I did anything wrong, where I couldn't see the problem at all

yet she was saying it as if she is just trying to be nice

so I must be the baddie, with very bad communication skills, and worse, I can't manage my emotions. Though I could only be silent when I was angry and upset

Perhaps think it this way, too many good things happened on me, and there must be up and down in life =S

I know I can take this, it shouldn't keep me low for long

and I will pay for it, whatever it costs

but woman, I'm doing this, because I don't want to be rude

P.S. Merry Christmas!

Can't wait for boxing day next! Shopping time xD =X

P.S. My housemates are bloody good cooks and they are nice people!

I should have realized this earlier =)

Officially a Londoner

I am now in Enfield, Middlesex. T__T
Extremely sore hands and back, carrying that huge luggage and heavy bags with me.
It was good I met some nice people helping me when I had to take the stairs. Very grateful, they were really nice, some were kids! I'm going to help others next time, I promise. =P

Feel so empty, don't feel like unpacking my stuff and doing the cleaning =(
Bpeng, puipui, fel.. T__T

It was even depressing thinking whether George has sent my reference back. Because of this stupid process I can't start working on Monday.. this thought itself depresses me.. I really don't want to sit and do nothing anymore.. Why can't they do things efficiently??????

Hmm anyway, my new room is nice, just that I certainly miss my old double bed =X. Need some cleaning and tidying.. Went to the tesco nearby, it was smaller than the one in Cheltenham, and I felt so lost inside.. the shelf assortment was strange =S.

Ah.. I'm going to stop writing or I'd find awful loads of stuff to complain >"<

Hope things would be in place soon!

Pek Cek

Bpeng and me are both in learning centre quiet study room now, not doing any study!

I don't why made me sooo pek cek..

the house internet is down 3-4 days ago, and I think the problem was on the router that it can't solve the ip address bla bla bla... tried restart and even reset and it still doesn't work

Got a friend who taught me how to go "inside" to check what is not working.. but I'm not pro enough to sort that out =/

then the landlord said Monday (i.e. today) her daughter's computer expert was coming to change a new router..

Yet very very very unfortunately, few days ago Bpeng lost her keys (we still don't understand how this happened) so she has kept all the spare keys in her room when her daughter and her friend came,

and they have to get into her daughter's room to get something to sort the internet out..

but bpeng wasn't at home... so we have to wait for another day.. (which I would have left)

I really really need the internet desperately..

to get bus ticket, to transfer money, to check terminal and weather, to contact my family, to find my referee (ex dissertation supervisor, i.e. Kerry Rees), to keep in touch with many people..

If it's any other time in the year it should be fine, as we can always come to the Uni,

but the weather truly, seriously sucks!! and the Uni was closed last week..

it's sooo difficult to go anywhere =(

grrrrrr...

Anyway, thats it for the grumbles.. and guess what,

I forgot to note this in my blog,

that I'm flying back to Malaysia tomorrow!!!!!

I haven't been home for more day 500 days already! The longest period in my life...

I miss home badly.. miss the feelings of staying at home badly..

miss a lots of food badly..

And this time I'm also going back for erge's (i.e. my second brother) wedding.. =DD

I'm quite excited! hahaha.. although I don't really know what to expect..

Next thing would be Chinese New Year celebration that I have missed for 3 years..

until my grandma has forgotten my angpao.. = =

Ohya.. and two days ago was my last day at Primark..

a place that I had been working for more that three years,

it's kind of a mixture of strange feelings.. but I'm glad that I've known a group of nice colleagues there, and the appreciations they've got to me..

It's actually hard .. to leave. =X

Anyway, in less than 24 hours I'm leaving this land already.. hope the weather is good enough during the departures.. I want to be home on time! *pray*

Working opportunity??

Just now back home from Woo's house and realized that I've got an email from NHS, inviting me for a job interview on the 11th Nov.

I cant even remember when I applied for it, as I've already given up to look for job properly for quite some times.. especially I realized that I'd have to take such a long leave off work when my family is coming.. and it was such a HEARTACHE to be accepted to a job and then rejected it... simply because they said I can't have such long leave off work as I would have just started working by that time... (to be honest my tear nearly drop on spot >"< ) But soon I understand the thing we call "取舍", and for me family comes first.. and I was happy that I could join them in all the trips.. (and even happier when I know jeh was happy that I could join)

But what now? the 11th Nov, it's a few days after my family's arrival, and we have already booked holidays to Edinburgh... I just want to say................. KNS....

I wonder how many things it wants me to give up, to have 3 weeks "peacefully" with my family here in the europe la.. I would skip 2 days from my drug and alcohol service training course, 3 weekends off from Primark, and a job offer from Lloyds pharmacy.. and now.. aiyo... MUST YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS???

Anyway, I'd see what I can do..

ANDDD!! tomorrow will be my last day working in Primark until the 28th!!!

thanks Leslie for approving our holiday requests!!!! she is the best manager! =D

(we actually got rejected by the Store Manager and then get approved by the Assistant manager hahaha... she's so daring la xD)

I still have 2 base visits (part of my training course) to do,

and there are 16 items in my to do list in preparation for my family visiting..

omgggg all I have is 3 days!! (but I'm loving this..)

p.s. I've got so many to say, but now all I need, is SLEEP!!

The Recent Me

I wonder whether any reader noticed.. that I'd never updated my recent life and future plan in my blog after final exam.. This is probably one of the most anaswered questions at this stage of my life.. Yet I never felt like writing about it. The reason is rather simple, because I have no idea about my life, my further study or career life.. I'm like lost..

I just checked the student record online today.. and Yes, I've got a first class degree.. It seems to be a bit late to tell as most who care knew it already lol. For my past study life, I'd never ask other's results.. never tell anyone unless I was asked.. as I don't like the way people look at me, as if I was showing off.. But, like what I told PeiMan that day when result came out, I want to share my happiness, I hope my friends (and family) feel happy for me.. OK, so what's this first class for/about? Before even I came to UK and started my degree, Ms Tan (Sook Bee, from E-West) told us that getting a first can let you to go for PhD directly.. So I could see the "value" of getting a first, rather than just... hmmm "oh first? that was really good!" (Dav's reaction when he asked me today.. lol). I thought this was true.. but it's just half true. I emailed a uni staff that deals with those postgrad study, he said that actually a first can let me go for MPhil, which there is possibility to upgrade to PhD.. Hey! this is very different right?

Actually, I don't really care, although I could see the value, but as I said, I love studying, I don't mind spending more time more effort and go for usual route.. But somehow.. this is still.. @#$%^&* la.. right??? (Although I'm aware that my house now got 4 bachelors 1 mba, if there were to be someone who get phd, that's probably me? HAHAHA =P)

So I'm still rather confused.. I think I mentioned before, that I feel like working, I want to work! I need more more more experience, rather than just research theory research theory (I do love research).. and ah well, I feel it's time to stop studying temporarily.. and learn to live a different life.. So ideally, my plan is to work for a couple of years, then study further.. yes, ideally. Else, I should be working and pursuing my master or whatever at the same time... hmm.. I dont know. The thing is also, I haven't even got a job, a proper one I mean (I must leave primark asap, except Ben, most of my best colleague friends left =( ). And I feel guilty as I found some friends actually seek for job when I was still slacking and enjoying life after exam.. = =.

Apart from these issues, our student visa expires at the end of Oct. So if I'm going to stay here, I should be applying Tier-1 around July/August.. (will probably going to live without passport for 4-8 weeks = =). So it's also important to decide whether to study or to work, since the tier-1 is just once for each life.. Then, the place of studying/working is also very important... because our house rental contract actually ends on 10th July = = (2 weeks later), although I did tell the landlord that I might be staying till August... etc etc.. there are so many things.. to be considered..

I can't get motivated, to plan for my future.. rather ridiculous, isn't it? So.. hmm.. I don't know how to end this post now, but if it happpens that you do read current long and wordy post, let me know your opinions ok? Perhaps it's not a decision, perhaps at this situation, it's not my decision that matters, but "que sera sera" (whatever will be, will be)...? I mean.. perhaps not even myself can decide what I want to do.. (although I can try)?

In 36 hours

I can't wait anymore..!! this is such a long torture
even friends start saying i've been saying im in exam period for long.. (although it's just 1+ week)
not really motivated to study anymore and those stuff just refuse to get into my brain.. stubborn than me!!

2 papers left:
Thinking and reasoning exam on 5.15pm tomorrow, which is the one I've decided to give up on..
while another clinical psy exam is at 9.15am on Thursday..
not very happy with this arrangement, there's just so little time in between, would rather have them in the same day.. =/
Anyway, will be the end of the final paper of final exam in final semester in less than 36 hours...
wonder whether I'll be too excited on thursday till can't write properly.. >"<

Best of luck to everyone.. (=

Passionate about...

I'm passionate about studying, yes I just said studying, just as I'm passionate about jogging, blogging, movies, snoopy, eggs etc
This was what I feel normally, sometimes when I dont study for a long time, I miss the feeling of studying, of working really hard for exams.. It gives me sense of moving on and achievement. This was what happen last year before final
But it didn't happen this year
I can't motivate myself.. I keep saying motivation but I've lost it.
Anyhow I still believe I'm keen on studying.. it's just something's not going right in me lately.
Arrrggghhhhhhh how? Killllll... ok, back to my revision

even if im not motivated, I still hope I can be a motivator of at least some others.

Tuesday Blue

Haih.. I don't know what's wrong with me today, had been so low and moody, not even chocolate can cheer me up. Then all day long, apart from attending class in the morning and talking with mama, I did literally nothing! Supposed to start a bit reading for Thinking and Reasoning research, but.. haih.. What's wrong What's wrong? Menopause perhaps? Ahahaha.. crazy, I'm not even 22 okk. And, don't know why whenever it's assignment peak season or exam period, I'll definitely get addicted to at least one game -whatever it is. This time is at Viwawa, a game called Bridge (guess it's one of the most addicting games for me, it's different from some previous ones because I call it an intellectual game.. ha).

Then just now discussed Marv's birthday with they all, even kek sim.. I wonder whether people actually step into other's shoe and think for other.. And the conference can surround the same question for ages. I don't know why I was so irritable also.. hmm.. But they all are really quite cincai.. If I were Marv I'd be probably disappointed by us, especially it's his 21st.. Anyway, I'm not the so-called "bro" or "good friend" or whatever.. I do my best..

Something made me feel better is the conversation with mum, basically most of the times we're discussing similar topics, like their attendance to my convo this end of year, when erge's going to marry, how busy ahjeh is and how free gogo is, my weight (XD), job hunting after final, how bad the economic is, papa's knee recovery, or what happen to those 3 gu 6 poh. The delighting point is they will most probably be coming to see me and for my convo, and my sis may come with them.. well, may.. Oh whose parents are also coming? We can form an old folks group.. XD

OK. Finally, if you did notice, I said "had been so low and moody", because just now I read Felicia's fwd email ("OMFG our Miss Pageant Malaysia).. and.. really LMAO.. Please let me know if you'd like to see, for.. god sake I'm not going to forward them to everyone, feel so sorry for the girls.. but it will probably cheer you up .. : D

But still, I'm not motivated to start my assignment.. no mood.. no mood.. no mood..

P.S. When I saw the "Blue" (title there) in green, Stroop effect came to my mind.. -_-"

Bitch War

Note: Just a grumbling post written yesterday.

Yesterday seems to be the worst working day since I started working here two years ago. Don't know why they made things sooo complicated. This morning the supervisor Jess scolded Emily and Jess II, later when we were all working in fitting room, I asked them what just happened -- basically just a topic la. After done, Jess asked me to give her a hand, and somehow secretly, she asked me whether Emily said anything about her to me. I was kind of shocked and just smiled, then said she didn't really say anything (a very silly lie, obviously everyone complains after they get scolded, right?) but said I did ask her what she talked to them. Then, she asked "Would you tell what they said or you don't want to tell?" Tell me, if you were me what will you answer her? Why on earth would she expect me that I'm her "gang" and I'll betray those that working hard with me? They are very new, I forgive them and give chances, but I never want to be involved in those British bitch war, I want George back! Everyone on our floor wants him back.. The sentence that I heard the most after she's become supervisor - "I'm very disappointed" So what? I'm also very disappointed and I hate working with you!! Those words make really low morale. I know they know me and they do appreciate me, sometimes after they scold everyone, they will "secretly" come to me and say those words weren't meant to say me. But that doesn't help.. and it will never help. I wonder why there are so many bitches here and why they all don't like each other, at the same time, they call each other bitch! lmao

I guess despite my age of 21+ age, I'm still no good in getting along well with people. I just make mistakes and wrong judgments all the time. Was it due to the way of avoidance? Now I'm thinking to get myself out from first floor... But there is no point of having we all leaving but them staying, we had been working really happily before they came. Why would the management blame us when there are problems? Steve met me in Tesco that day and tricked me, he even said that "we have been working together for two years you should know my voice" Right, so now does he know me well then? Ok perhaps he does, but how about the rest of the colleagues? Didn't he realize we had been all fine until Jess and Becky lead us?

It is just so happening. I feel being used. No, I was in fact being used. Perhaps most of the time when I feel sad it isn't really about me, but ... I want to stop myself from being involved, especially when people gossip.. because it makes me bias and can't judge things and people justly, but apparently I fail most of the time.. ha. It's kind of surprising.. because I still care, after all this way of brain washing. This is a sequel to the post Disgusted. ridiculous, when I reread, I realized those words still apply! It's simply a complicated world. It's fine sometimes when you scheme, but not intrigue, especially towards those that you call good friends.