I'm Lunatic!

I learnt this word - lunatic - from one of my patients. The first time I heard it, he was saying to me "you're lunatic!" I didn't know the meaning, but I thought it was related to "lunar", so I was thinking the word may be saying someone whose emotion fluctuates a lot (just like how the moon changes every day). Of course he was just having fun by saying that.

But that day I heard it a second time, and checked it online later, the online free dictionary says:

1. Suffering from lunacy; insane.
2. Of or for the insane.
3. Wildly or giddily foolish: a lunatic decision.
4. Characterized by lunacy or eccentricity."

At the same time coming out from the search is a BBC News - "How offensive is the word 'Lunatic'?" and it mentions that the word originally "referred to a kind of insanity that recurred according to the cycles of the moon". Hahaha so I was right to think about the moon, but still get the meaning wrong. It reminds me of Dragon Ball (hahaha) and other werewolf movies.

Anyway, it was inappropriate to use the word to "normal" people. But when my patient said that to me [jokingly], I [jokingly] said back "You're lunatic too!" He just laughed and continued to repeat that I was lunatic...

My whole intention of this post wasn't actually about introducing the word "lunatic". In fact it's an introduction...

I realized there have been quite a number of this so-called "mad" people in my life, mainly due to my work. I have also been talking quite a lot about stigmatization people hold towards those suffering from mental health problems. Whenever I thought about helping and standing up for these people, my patients come across my mind.

I thought I no longer hold these stigma and prejudices like everyone else. And I was wrong. The other day I went to Wood Green, and there was this man, I probably have seen him a few times, who was talking loudly in front of Morrisons, what he talked makes no sense. I avoided standing too close to him like everyone else, but undeniably I think he was mad, he was dangerous. (although I work in a forensic ward, but no, people with mental health problems are no more likely than "normal" people to commit crime, to hurt others!)

No matter how many "mad" people I have met, and how much fact about "mad" people I come to know, when I walk on the street I behave like everyone else. I'm not saying that I'm wrong behaving this way. But I realized I can only be confident to work with people with mental health problems, in a safe environment or, with patients I already know for a period of time, in any environment. I don't have the ability to approach a ["mad"] stranger on the street and attempt to help him/her.

What can we do about this? Create a safe environment any and every where, change everyone's attitudes towards the mental illness and the people who suffer from them.

How do we achieve that? I dont know... 

Things that we do subconsciously

I have been wondering all day today whether I applied shampoo while showering this morning. I woke up in the morning and took a shower before going to the library, I haven't got much memory about the shower - I'd assume that's very normal since that's something we do every day. But while I was drying my hair I felt my hair was a bit different, although I couldn't tell the difference in what way. Later I was in the library and the hair was fully dried, I realized my hair was kind of oily. Eh? I just washed it, I thought. Then I tried to recall, and couldn't remember if I apply shampoo while I showered, or I just wet my hair then started washing my face and body...

Occasionally I intended to take facial wash but I put body shampoo in my hands. Other time I wash my face already but I still take more facial wash. Most of the time I complete my showers without much thinking about the shower itself (but probably a lot thinking on something else).

I'm not trying to say that this is abnormal, or being over-worried. But I'm wondering things like this (my brother gave an example of locking a car), we do them naturally, automatically, subconsciously, without much thought on them, then --- how do we know if we really have done it? So yes I know people check (go back to see if they lock their cars, check if they lock the front door, call mum to ask if they remember to shut the auto gate etc). But how about my case? How do I know if I did wash with shampoo?!! It's going to remain unknown for the rest of my life. HAHAHA (Oh but I do collect evidence and am quite convinced that I didn't use the shampoo 1. I felt my hair was strange when I was drying them 2. its felt oily when it was dried 3. I seem to finish shower quicker than I normally do 4. I normally need a bit of conscious brain use to decide how much shower gel to apply but I don't remember making that "decision" today)

Eh but, if it was done subconsciously (rather than unconsciously), there should be means to recover this subconsciousness?!

Sometimes I'm impressed by myself, having the ability to write such a blog post just base on little thing like that. Ha.

The past 5.5 years, The coming 5.5 years

I haven't got anything in particular in mind to write about today, but due to the weather I'm in really good mood, partly also because there was a significant progress with my dissertation today, after meeting with my supervisor the sixth time! What? yes, the 6th, while in fact people are meant to only have 4.

It's the end of week 6 of Summer term, in 2 weeks I'll be completing all the studies, left with 3 assignments and one research dissertation. Time flies. I've been here for over 5.5 years now. Looking back this year, I came to realize I have become a role model of a few people that I really respect/like, including my high school friends, my previous university friend, my working colleague, and even my viwawa friend! I somehow manage to inspire various people, just because of what I'm doing (I guess). But deep in my heart I know I'm not that good! But if I can motivate people a bit, why not?! Hahaha. I've been procrastinating, been demotivated, been in doubts. I don't know what is in front of me, I don't know if I'm ready to take any challenge I'll be in, yet I'm even worried if there isn't a challenge...

I saw, read, heard various things that changed me. I started to learn what's more important in life and in lives. I also came to understand my life has been easy which I'm very grateful with. I somehow believe in this "quota" theory (my own theory, hahaha) where everything has its limit, so I think I'll have to take up a lot more challenges, be facing a lot more difficulties in my future life (because I'm using too much of the "easy" quota). To make the quota theory more understandable - for example, I also have this "hardworking" quota, from the age of 13 I studied real hard because I thought Hin Hua was a very high standard high school and to make sure I did okay I had to work damn hard. So the next 10 years from my 13 years I worked hard throughout (slightly relaxed in the first and second university years). Now it's more than 10+ years, I came to think the quota is worn off. (Okay it's an excuse of being lazy...) My father suddenly popped into my mind, no, I don't think the hardworking quota is only 10 years, it had to be at least 25-30 years, because I believe that's the time of my dad working real hard. (Oh no HuiBee, you've got no more excuse!!).

Anyway, time is running out, I need a good night sleep, just because the weather has been so good (i.e. warm) - it was too hot for me to go to bed at nights, so I haven't been sleeping well.. And I've got to be working for the next 4 days. Then I'll have a short course on voice analyses and desynthesis - should be a very interesting course! I also applied for a hypnotherapy course in July with peiman. Greeeeedy, everything is an interest!

I'm hoping to travel as much as possible too!!! But couldn't find suitable travel partners.. :( Most new friends are interested to go to places that I had been whereas the old friends.. ughh don't ask me! But now the upmost importance is to complete my assignments, then enjoyyyyyy my dissertation research writing~

(P.S. the title is pure random. It's nothing about the past or future 5.5 years! XD)

Stressful, Emotional, Contented

Handed in the first assignment and did a presentation yesterday. Spent over 12 hours in the uni. Got to know my supervisor today. Working (as in as a health care assistant not a master student) tomorrow all the way till Wednesday morning next week.

This life ain't easy. Another 3 pieces of assignment due in 2 weeks. I hope there is another huibee to help out a little bit.

Ryuji (my presentation group mate, japanese) said, he could feel everyone's stressful too, because everyone gets angry really easily, everyone is like really impatient now. True. I told him I get angry really easily now. With my flatmate Akansha (Indian) closing the door loudly a few times at night and in the morning every day, I spoke to her for the 3rd time about the same thing just now. I actually said "Fuck You" when it happened again. Lol. No, I won't fuck you. Sorry.

Most of the time I'm actually quite happy, despite the stress. I feel contented when I have a lot done, especially nowadays I like to stay in the library and work till evening, with my macbook. Most of the time will be quite lucky to bump into some other stressful big-headed friends who are also rushing for something. But undeniably my emotion fluctuates so much, just slightly better than bipolar mood disorder I believe, slightly.

I made some friends. Met some ASEAN (mainly Malaysian and Singaporean) friends, a Chinese from SiChuan whom I quite like to befriend in my class, a Jap guy that I mentioned already, a Germany girl who is also in my presentation group, and another two Malaysians who took some modules with me. Of course, I also made quite some Hi-and-Bye friends.

Last week I was so fed up with my work manager Phil that I thought about leaving work. Someone who offered to help me turned me down and I nearly had to sleep on the street last week. They said when god closes one door, he will open a window for you. So within 5 minutes the window showed up, then I realized how lucky and blessed I am. Not fed up anymore. But I really want to know whether I should keep the job, and I wonder who can give me the answer.

I bought a Christmas present for the work "secret santa" game. I wrapped it up nicely and cut the letters of her name down from a magazine (poor magazine!) and sticked them on the wrapping paper. I wonder who my secret santa is?!

Damn it when I'm typing this, a Black man opened my door!!!!! I think he's the Jamaican flatmate, Kady's friend. Walao =.=. I'm still in shock. He said sorry and closed the door back. I didn't even smile. It's not okay. I won't smile! (See how easy I get angry!!) Okay, nevermind. By the way my flatmates are all nice, despite what I said about them.

Oh how can I forget that there will be a Malaysian Chinese moving into the flat upstairs next week. I know her from facebook - ha ha, random, I know! But it was because we were all looking for people who're from same kampung before we came to Sussex. (How come chrome didn't pick up "kampung" as a spelling mistake?!?!?!) So next time there will be someone who can have dinner with me or travel back from uni with me (she likes to stay in library to study too).

All these look so random and schizophrenic. Just some screen shots of my life recently. Christmas holidays in two weeks. I really want to ski!! But nobody is interested to go with me so far :(

I think I should talk to mama/family more. It always makes me feel better (no matter what random things we say). And I really want to meet my niece... by the time I meet her, she's probably no longer a baby!!

Wow

A kind of funny thought came out to my mind today when I was having the monthly staff meeting on the ward... Phil (the ward manager) wanted us to say something positive about the ward if the dice turns out 3-6 and negative if 1-2. He passed it to me, I rolled it and it showed 4, I then thought for 2-3 seconds then said something that I really like about this ward.

Then the dice was passed on. I was then thinking, I was doing all these so naturally, I was the first one to start with, I was speaking English in front of all these people whose mother tongue is English, but my heart didn't even beat a little faster.

You might not realize what I want to say yet, because even myself have not realized what I have become until today. I went to Chinese kindergarden, Chinese primary school, Chinese secondary (high) school. I'd never liked English class (apart from Junior 2, Ms Mariam who was an excellant teacher). I was consistently one of the highest scorers in most if not all subjects, and it was always English the exemption. I disliked it, I wasn't interested to learn it, I found it so difficult.

But today, it all happened so naturally. Wow. I'm impressed.

P.S. I've been put down to go to Thorpe Park (for work)!! Really excited!

Halo August

It's nearly the end of July, and I have not had any update for nearly two months, surprisingly when I checked my viewers there are still about 4 visitors on average every day, I guess it's still the old debatable posts that are receiving attentions (rather than any friends/family).

Life has not been too busy, I simply lost the passion to blog :S.

Something really important to note is that I have turned into an auntie on July the 13th, welcoming my niece to the world. :) She's also a rabbit (Chinese zodiac), was born also at 2+ o'clock in the early morning, just like me, ha ha.

I'm still a grateful person (pure random), though I went through a kind of depressive period when I first came back to London again in June. But things are all good now, sometimes we forget who we are. Sometimes we forget what we really want and need. Sometimes we just focus too much on certain things and overlook other important things.

In 1.5 months, I'm going to be here for 5 whole years. :O

I no longer know how to write a proper blog post...

Second time this year

Bought my tickets to go back for my eldest bro's wedding this summer.

and yes, I'm flying home again.

Supposingly I wanted to get Singapore airlines as I'd then get to try the A380 double deck airbus (which, according to Bpeng, is super comfortable! :D)

but I spent too much time considering (actually just one night) and the price raise by £30+, and made the difference between sg airlines and Etihad airlines over £100

So I shall wait for my next opportunity........

P.S. April is coming, quarter of 2011 is going soon. This is getting unbelievable..

P.S. 2 People should really learn that by saying "Live life to the fullest", it doesn't mean working crazily or make your life real busy and filled, but do what you really want to do and what that will make you really contented, at the same time enjoy doing them! And don't forget to be grateful.

I wonder if I miss you

該怎麽定義想念

因爲習慣一個人的陪伴 所以當他不在時

依然不斷出現在你的腦裏 叫想念?

那如果是很久不見但交情(曾經)不錯的朋友呢?

怎麽說想念? 怎麽說很想念?

Lets make things clear and make life simple

這次選擇把話講清楚

雖然一直以爲什麽反應都不給 是最簡單的方式

到最後才發現 其實是會有被感動的一天的

尤其對中文字的抗拒能力 很低 囧

不想被感動 不期待那樣的一天

更不想他把時間花在我身上

Titanic (1997)

Believe it or not
I just finished the whole movie, for the FIRST time ='(

I intended to watch it 13 years ago when I was still standard 4, which I still remember clearly..
(coz we learnt to play my heart will go on with the simplified flute, a song that I can play and remember damnnnn well)

yet that time I fell asleep at the beginning of the movie and woke up seeing the ending part =="

And I had always wanted to watch it.. no chance.. till today, saw it in my laptop accidently =D

(think I took it from my sis when i went back?)

So I guess, I was the last person who never watched this movie? =)

dont think movie of this kind need any reviews or comments or reflections.. but people, do watch it over again..

Blog Trailer

I have got sooooo much to talk about. I know it's time for me to start blogging again. Can't believe it's now March and there were only 5 published posts this year =S.

But, I'm not in the mood today.. Give me some times.. Meanwhile I will hopefully still be sharing some stuff..

P.S. Don't ask me what this post is for. I have no idea either ._.

Zany Bridge

In the year of 2007, Kian, Limpeh, Joyce, Michelle, Bpeng and me went to a 12 day Europe trip together. During that period, the 4 of them have been really into a game - Bridge. And they have taught us some basics of it. I need to say that I had not really mastered the game during that short period, and didn't understand why they were so into it.

Then during the final exam period of 2008, Peiman introduced us an online gaming site -Viwawa. I saw my previous blog that we were like playing mahjung etc nearly every night.. HAHA (exam period ma..). After that, I couldn't remember when, but I noticed the Zany Bridge in the list of games and started trying it myself. Then I started on off playing it and until this year become really addicted to it during assignments/dissertation peak period..

Actually I've always wanted to blog about this, especially in writing guide so that I could have real life friends to play with me... (I miss playing with real cards as well =/) As I would say, none of the games in vww is (that) addicting, its only zany, an intellectual game that I would say you could hardly master it, and that you would always find ways to improve yourself, and enjoy differently when you play with different "level" players. The thing is the game is kind of complicated, if we were to put everything in words (and it's not the one you could search on Wikipedia), yet I think viwawa forum can provide you some basics.

Why am I talking about all these suddenly? Coz I was clearing my laptop earlier and I found some screen shots.. I learnt this from another player rainb0w81, that she always print screen whenever some special or weird stuff, bugs take place.. And I found these which are what we would call "sure win" in min 4 games (minimum bid of 4) that we play. (I dont really know the purpose of printing these screens, so i guess the only thing I could do is to put it in my blog, although I clearly doubt how many readers can understand what those hands mean >"<)

This is what we call 2-suit (also could have bidded 5nt).

For me, it's a hand that's impossible to lose,

yet my partner (tas) has got the ability to make this sure win game.. lose = =

as that was just he and me who had hearts, and he kept throwing hearts, so the opponents kept trump and ended up wasted all my heart set.

This is also 2-suit. but rely less on the 2nd (non-trump) suit..

could hardly lose..

I wonder how awful the other's hands are.. xD

These 3 hands, are the sure-win hand for 5NT (including a set winning by partner)

O.O

10 Trumps!! (if playing got trumps la, but I bidded 5NT- i.e. No Trump), called Ace dia, which was rain, and we got all 13 sets.

There is a player who played more than 30k games, and he said he has got 10 trumps only for once!!

But so far I've got twice already.

p.s. these players (rainb0w81, csyuan, ariel_23) are awesome.. are also those that I spent most of my time to play with.. as I seldom play with random people anymore.. and another one is Sissywawa.

Obviously very crazy and imbalanced hand.. =D

me and Lilbarbie got 13 sets too..

So... can anyone understand what I'm talking about? xD

Anyway, all those hands that were shown are just the best part of loads game played (i.e. you would hardly see cards as good as those), and luck is just a very small part of zany bridge, especially when you play a lot, what matters is always skills.

And finally... let me know if you want to learn.. if I can't teach, I can probably find you a good tutor.. =D

Random

刚刚因为不想读书而无聊去看facebook一自己的照片
看到一些滑雪的照片.. (Austria Skiing Trip)
突然很想念滑雪 很想念那趟旅行 很想念那些像仙境般的风景..


突然.. 有一点舍不得在这里的朋友 大部分都要毕业也准备回去了...

Cheltenham

I've been staying in this town for more than two years. Initially the impression that it gave me was boring, boring, and boring. Right, for sure, for 19 years, I lived in a place that have huge shopping centres open till at least 10pm, after that you can visit mamak, and there is night market packed with people. I spent six years in an independent school and had long hours lectures and awful lots of activities after class and during holidays. So, how on earth is it possible for a people like me to like a so damn boring place like this?

And yet, I like it so much now. I guess my mind, my habits are 'aging'.. Because it's a place with lots of elderly, and we heard it received some kind of award that referring it as the most suitable for those retirees before we came. Now I like its slow motions, I like its peacefulness, I like the tranquility, I like those friendly old ladies who talk to you so randomly, and somewhat like it snowing so randomly...

Haih.. strange right? I wonder whether I can get used to new environment if it's going to busy and fast? Because I'm thinking to get a job here, here in the uk, not at cheltenham, as I can see Cheltenham is just a small place, which doesnt provide good working opportunity. But I don't feel like leaving here, yet... I want to explore other cities in the UK, to help me reconfirm that this really isn't a country that I'd like.. lol. In some terms, I guess Cheltenham is already one of the best - the conclusion when we visited Manchester.

Eh? so why am I writing about Cheltenham Spa (in which I don't even know how it got the name SPA?)? Because I saw the Facebook group saying that Cheltonians are those ridiculously good looking people. Eh.. I've been wondering why I didn't see those good looking ang mo (Caucasion) that we normally see from media since I came here (all I can see is just how serious their health problem caused by obesity). I even wonder whether I should conclude that those really-good-looking are all on tv, the rest.. hmm.. ahem.. Previously I thought it may be due to the place I'm in, it may be better in other places, but.. hmm.. obviously it is not, since those Cheltonians think they are ridiculously good looking!

Anyway, despite the ok-looking people, it's still a nice place to live in, to learn more about older England, to interact more with the British. And, at least, apart from the retirees, it's also a very ideal place for studying... : P

菩萨心肠

我也想要有...

可是曾几何时教我学会心胸开阔的中学麻吉都不在身边了..
我该怎么办? :'(

Trust or Believe

人为什么会互相信任?


可能因为我是家里的老么,或者一些看不见的因素吧, 从小就觉得自己不容易相信别人.记得中学的时候,庄同学曾经给我们玩过一个叫信任的游戏,很简单,就是一群人(10个左右)围成一个圆圈,中间一个人闭上眼睛全身放松地躺下去,由周围的每个人合力把他接着,并"传移"...玩这种东西的时候,我总是会完全的信任其他人...

但是来到生活中就不见得了...高二的时候,也曾经被很信任很信任的朋友..."背叛" (想不到适合的词), 事情不只让我那几个月很灰; 从那时候起,也觉得更难信任别人了,尤其是认识不久的人...而且最近(也不算最近了吧),我也才发现,原来我不太会看人,(看人=evaluate 一个人的好坏) 这样更让我觉得自己应该小心翼翼的..但是人要是这样活着,什么都要防备都不信任,那还会有意义吗?

其实我觉得生活中,有不少朋友是很信任我的,至少我自己这么觉得啦 : P 可能我长得一副不会出卖人的样子? 哈... 只是, 要怎样,才会像他们一样, 做到所谓的"信任"呢? 当他们那么信任我的时候,我也能一样吗?

是不是在什么文化里,都会有信任 (trust)和相信 (believe)的不同呢? 最近才发现,它们原来可以很不一样... 原来很多时候我们只是相信,而没有信任,我想相信是factual based的,而信任是一种感觉,对"人"的信任(而不是对"事情").

是不是应该选择信任,冒着受伤害的"危险",还是从一开始,就谁都别信任呢? 然而我相信,选择后者的人,会一直辛苦的活着...