What's wrong with the children nowadays?

I have an in-law who teaches English in a secondary school, and is a discipline teacher. She recently got her car a recorder as her car was scratched (not just hers, but quite many other teachers' cars too). So this recorder is like a car CCTV that records everything including sound as long as there is battery power supply.

Yesterday a prefect approached her and told her that her car was scratched again! She went to check and decided to check the recorder when she got home. So hours were spent and my brother and she found the culprit. Although not exactly clear, it did quite convincingly suggest who did it. 

It was the prefect who came to report the incident. 

He is only form 2 this year. He got straight As in his UPSR. He came from a highly-educated family. He is the only child at home. He gives hands to his teachers when they need help (e.g. he helped my sister-in-law to carry bags and stuff from the car to the office). 

If it wasn't the CCTV would anyone ever think that it was him who did it?

Why a so-called good student like him did this? Something wrong the boy himself? with his teacher(s)? with the parents? with the education system? with the society?

My in-law could only think of the other day where she told him off during an assembly as he was doing homework which wasn't what students meant to be doing, what say a prefect who should set as a role model.

Really? I found it quite difficult to actually believe that a 14-year-old boy was this "advance" in playing psychological trick and had this kind of mind set where (1) he intended to revenge or sent some kind of message to my in law? (2) he did it and then reported it, most likely believing that nobody would ever know it was him?! 

We can imagine that how much it would hurt this boy if the video is published, so we thought about ways to protect him. I think we would rather have some really "bad students" who did it, so that they can be punished straight away knowing they wouldn't really care anyway (I mean it shouldn't bring harm to the bad students in long term). But for a "good" student like this, any minor punishment we thought it is (e.g. having him to resign from being a prefect) can lead to severe consequences, or even affecting the rest of his life... So as long as he knows he was wrong, parents would be notified and no punishment would be given. I think this is a better way, although I do think parents should now give a lot more attention (and love?) to this boy, understand him psychologically and his mental development, perhaps he really needs some proper counselling or psychological treatment. 

Not until something happens to your children, always be so alert with how they are growing up. Is results everything to them? What's the most important values that we should be implementing to our next generation? What do successful and happiness stand for? 

Genuine Suicidal Attempt or Attention Seeking?

She was told by the doctor to come to the clinic to collect her medication and for an injection, after seeing the doctor in the hospital.

When she got here she looked like she was on the phone, but nobody heard her talking at all. Staff told her to come in to the treatment room. She gave no response, made no eye contact – as if she was so concentrate on a spot in the air. Then she walked towards the door, went out, and stood by the stairs. She looked down to the lower floors. A colleague said, “she isn’t going to jump down is she?” I was going to say “Is she looking for someone downstairs?” but before I even completed the sentence, her feet were already in the air, hanging her body on the rail. we all ran out. She didn’t do it fast as her left hand was still holding the stairs handle/rail. So one of the colleagues managed to grab her legs, another her arm.

She was brought in. She continued to say that she wanted to leave, and of course she wasn’t allowed. It took some time till she was injected and given stat dose. The doctor came from the hospital to see her.

It appeared to be something related to drugs, she seemed to be taking illicit drugs, and according to her, she will be charged for distributing drugs (or bringing drugs in from another country). She said she was innocent.

She calmed down later as the stat dose kicked in. Family member was contacted to bring her home. I’m not sure how she is right now, I hope people will all stay away from illicit drugs. 

If it was one of our busy days we wouldn’t have noticed and managed to stop this. Though we doubt if she really wanted to commit suicide, or she really just needed some attention and help maybe. Because of how the stair is designed, it wouldn’t be possible for anyone to jump down straight from 4^th to ground floor (other than a small baby).  She could only fall to the third floor, though her head would have landed on the stair case below. I’m sure she was aware. So attention seeking through a suicidal behaviour?

Sometimes when it comes to mental illness (and I guess many chronic physical illnesses), family members get fed up and lose their patience after a period of time, due to the time, money and attention needed to care about the patient, but also the stigma that come with it. But without any support from close family and friends, it’s almost impossible for someone to completely recover from mental illness…

Confidentiality Awareness

"What? You are just going to fax the letter over like that?" I asked, as my colleague was going to fax a letter regarding one of our patients to the patient's company. The company requested it, and the patient was aware - he came to sign a consent form (ah wow such thing exists?!) but he isn't allowed to even look at the letter. So yea, he gave consent for us to disclose his illness to his workplace, without quite knowing what his doctor wrote about him.

"Yes! The patient isn't allowed to read it so we can't give the letter to let him bring to the company! I'm just going to call to make sure that they get the letter" (they? who?!)

I guess most of us know where a fax machine is placed in an office in most companies. Usually anyone who walks past it can check and look at the incoming fax. Chances are the fax may then be passed from one to another (in a larger company, maybe office boy, secretary, some other "caring" colleagues). I feel so bad that this was done. I don't blame my colleague or anyone in the clinic, but the whole awareness about confidentiality issue in Malaysia is just low, very low. When I was trained in the UK, confidential used to be such a big issue. In the uni we had one whole 5 credits module about ethics and confidentiality; At work, we had one whole hour training about protecting patients and staff confidentiality.

Having watch this, I will be so careful to sign any "consent" form in the future. I mean we all as patients or service users or some kind of participants should understand where those private information about ourselves is going and what they are used for. Remember you always have your rights, don't be afraid to fight for them. It may take quite some time till we actually get there like in many developed countries, but it will not happen if nobody is fighting for it.

I hope people in the practice gain more awareness and give more respect too. Imagine this was you, would you be happy that your some sort of medical/financial report or ability test etc is passed around in your workplace or among some unknown people? 

Kita Kawan Mah!

I used to live in the UK for 6.5 years. And most people who first met me would always have thought that I came from China, when I shake my head, "Korea? Japan? Philippines? ..." was what I usually was asked. I would say I come from Malaysia, though I'm the third generation there, my grandfather is from China. Chinese is my ethnicity, but Malaysia is my nationality.

I may explain further, say if I'm watching Olympics games and the Chinese is playing the Malaysians, I'd definitely support the Malaysians. When there's no Malaysian playing, I MAY support the Chinese. So in other words I see my nationality more importantly than my ethnicity, not forgetting the roots and values of my ancestors.

I went to Chinese kindergarden (2 years), Chinese primary school (Sekolah Jenis Kebangsaan, 6 years), Chinese secondary and high school (private, 6 years) in Malaysia. Then I left Malaysia for another 4 years undergraduate and postgraduate studies in the UK. I do grow up not having many non-Chinese friends, not understanding much about the non-Chinese cultures, having lots of stereotypes about the Malays and Indians (as a psychologist I'd say "stereotype" is a way of categorising, until it goes too far and leads to...). I can think of a few Malay friends I met from ELS Subang, and two Indian friends I have during my time in the Uni in UK (they are from Malaysia). Among all these girls and boys, 100% of them are kind and nice, the kind that I'd say can either be my moderate good friend or even good friends.

Until that day our PM calls it the "Chinese Tsunami", until the day Utusan Newspapers asks "Apa lagi Cina mau? (What else does Chinese want?)". I know Chinese Tsunami isn't true statistically and factually myself, but I don't know what I can do about that feelings of upset. You can't really defend especially when you think people have all thought that you are guilty. Till I start reading some status updates on facebook shared by friends. They are written by Malays, by Malaysians to be exact, defending this isn't chinese tsunami, explaining how LGE ended up in prison defending someone of not his race, saying DAP didn't win any seats from UMNO other than the one by LKS (so there isn't such saying that Chinese is taking over the country bla bla blah), praising how far Chinese has learnt that we can no longer rely and believe in BN, saying we are all just one family i.e. a Malaysian family, saying they would boycott some mainstream papers for trying to differential us as different races, showing pictures of people helping others of different races in BERSIH and 508BLACK etc etc etc.

I was wondering "were these Malays of majority?", maybe there were only like 5% of the urban Malays who think so?! I don't have Malay friends whom I can ask... As time passes, our so-called PM and some mainstream medias continue to give unjust racial comments which were upsetting, I started to see more and more non-Chinese raising their voices, including those from BN and some NGOs. I also spent some time reading the comments of those statuses defending for my race written by somebody non-my-race. The majority of the writers' friends agreed with them, though perhaps 5-10% didn't, and even scolded these writers for not defending their own religion, benefits, races and children etc.

So I learnt that they were probably majority, at least the majority of the urban Malays. OK, now stop saying Malays, Chinese, Indians, Ibans and whatsoever... Because of "him", we are more united as Malaysians. I probably wouldn't have realized this for a long long time without him... I remember way before the election day, I have myself said to an Indian tenant of my father's shop that "there are good and bad people in all races". Now I've confirmed myself after the election, that there are good chinese, good malays, good Indians, bad Malays, bad Indians, bad Chinese.. all the good ones should be united to defend the bad ones...

Though, I'm not saying that I've "removed" all my stereotypes about others, but I am going to try to accept that we all live, study, work, and do things differently (so some people work harder, some people lazier, some are more arrogant etc), as long as it's legal, I'm also going to try stopping these prejudice of other races, because for once I now know they would extend hands of help despite our ethnicity, and for once I'm hoping our next generation will grow up with far less prejudice and stereotype. 

As a Proud Malaysian

今天的馬來西亞氣氛很奇怪 奇怪大概是自己的心理作祟吧
因為明天會是馬來西亞的投票日 也就是大選
早個幾年我大概不可能知道自己有一天會這麼政治"熱感"
甚至過去除了安華我歷任副首相有誰都不知道
可是現在我可以對許多選區的候選人名字面孔政黨瞭如指掌
還參加了三場政治講座 看過我其中敬佩的雪州議長鄧章欽 (決定忍著不再說他躺著都會贏) 曾經的副首相如今的反對黨領袖安華 還有公正黨署理主席 Azziz Ali (個人相當喜歡這人的風格管他甚麼種族) 等等不下十人...
每天用心看星洲 (你或許想問我這報紙怎麼還讀得下去 每翻兩頁就一大版BN/MCA/Najib 的新聞 這就是我厲害的地方 我都跳過與它們有關的新聞資訊廣告...) 還有追蹤facebook, tweeter 的消息
公平的說句 其實網絡上的極端人士很多 很不理智 很不humane (用華語我會說"不像人" 所以還是寫英語好) 也很野蠻... 事實的真相也不容易知道 就靠我們自己去判斷 而不是一味的吸收與憤怒批判... 不簡單 很不簡單...
但是許許多多的事實擺在我們的演前 卻不難讓我們發現 就算手中握有一票 也唯一在這個時候我們才像真正的"老闆" 可是面對黑暗的政治手段與 manipulations 我們能做的事情卻這麼的少...
感覺是多麼的無力
原本我並不想在這個時候寫有關大選的Blog 一方面我是個有話直說的人令一方面我不想被抓 -_- 可是今天我真的不想再看報紙了 看那毫無新聞自由的報紙 完全被管制的報紙電台電視...
很難接受這麼多的捏造恐嚇卻依然可以平和看待不生氣罵粗口...

寫了這麼多 只想說要是明天是一場公平的選舉 我支持的清廉公正公義的一方是會贏的 這是我堅信的 只可惜 它公平嗎? 透明嗎? 值得相信嗎? 沒動手腳嗎?
不管結局如何 至少我參與 也會去盡我身為公民的責任早些出門投上一票 並盡量確保自己投的不是廢票...
不是這樣嗎 參與了 出了一份力了 要是結果不如所願 也只能說這世界或許本來就沒有那麼不公平的事
因為馬來西亞已經是這麼一個沒天災又富有天然資源的國家 要是還出現了公正廉明的領導人 不就太幸運了...
(也順便補充說明其實我真的挺生氣符合資格卻又沒登記成為選民的人或者不去投票的人 可是其實我自己也是 只是我沒登記卻已經成為選民 比起那些登記了卻被除名的我還是要幸運得多吧?! 又是黑暗唉)

話說回來 我也不是真的那麼支持某政黨某聯盟的人
只是我學會兩線制的好 我想完全不貪的官員 做久也會貪 也會懶 也會攬權濫權...
完全不貪的一定很少 只是現在這群勇士 很大部份都是受了高深教育的專業人士醫生牙醫律師大學講師成功企業家 etc etc 那麼賺的行業還犧牲自己和家人出來參政 可以想像他們迫切想改變的心 所以自然比某些人抵抗誘惑的能力強多了吧...

願明天的馬來西亞是 光明 和平的

The content in the links below may not represent the blog owner's view.
People trying to reach it to CNN
Pledging governments of some other countries to stop their people from intervening the Malaysian's election (which should really be a election that is completed by only Malaysians!)

P.S. 沒想到英國回來後寫的第一篇竟然是政治有關 還用了久違的中文...
#五月五 #PRU13 #GE13 #inikalilah

Leaving people I love

I'm probably the person who has the most leaving dos done from work, and it's been going on for over two weeks now. Tonight is the last night, we were out for drinks, I wasn't even sure if I was drunk (just 2 pints, so I shouldn't be) but it did appear to be so for them. 

I hate leaving. I stood out there after they walked me home, I just stood there and cried. I was sad because I am leaving these people that I love, but I'm even more sad because I see tears in them. I kept saying this isn't the end of it, but by heart we all know, at one point of our life some people may appear to be so important and special to you, but 10 or 20 years later (if not less) when you look back, they are just part of the memory, part of the history. 

Though one thing that I always do, I keep people in my heart. I reserve places for different people, big and small places. And nothing changes this, not even time. 

I never knew it could be so difficult, or I may have done done a different decision. The saddest part is life will move on, the things that you cry about today, no longer matters some days later. Sad, isn't it? No? I don't want these people to just be in my memory. That ain't good enough. Tell me think about them and have a smile on your face? This ain't good enough. I want to see them, and smile. 

Nothing I can do to change. I will let go one day. What's worse, one of them is going to drop me off in the airport tomorrow... 

Leaving the job

Tomorrow will be my last day at work, as a preparation of this emotionally difficult shift I've been thinking about it quite a lot these nights. After my second last shift on Tuesday I finally realized it's approaching. This is happening. 

I think I have always been someone who don't take leaving and separation well. But if everything else isn't a problem, would I choose to stay on? To work as an NA for more years? Just because I'm happy there, I have great caring friends there? No I won't. In fact I wouldn't have been as happy as I am if I'm still here for longer. My leaving makes many of us get much closer, also makes many of them closer. So this separation much take place, now or later. 

So I've convinced myself to accept it. Even I stay for longer, I'd probably grow more grumpy like a lot of people who have been there for years or even decades. So this is the best time to leave. It forms the best memory of my life. 

It's still difficult though, having the thought that I may not see many of these great people again in my life. I said my last good bye to my manager, and others whom I may not see, who have transferred to another ward... Not just the members of staff, even the patients, for some I have known there for over 2 years, other for over 2 weeks, I like them, I want to see them get better and leave the hospital... 

I feel bad having some friends feeling sad about my leaving, especially after all these great supports, chats, and quality times spent together. I feel bad to have made them sad. But I can only do so selfishly, at the same time hope they'd be happy for me (just like I did for another member of staff, who moved to another ward, and seen him happier there, even if I liked him to be on my ward). 

Let's hope I wouldn't be in tears tomorrow. We're still going to one of the colleagues' house for dinner, I hope I'm not drinking though, I can see if I drink I'm going to even more sad =.=.

Dog Sledding in Norway

I really love dogs, so when I was told about this "Dog Sledding" activity I was really looking forward to it. But believe it or not, I think this is the cruelest thing I have done in my life!

I was the driver of the sledge. Before we started, all the dogs were like crying, my eyes watered. I didn't think I could make it. I was later told that huskies have to run, if they don't run they suffer. (So they woo because they want to race/run). See video below.

But I really wonder whether this was in their nature or it was human-work? Did people actually train them to become like that? They actually run (when they sledge) and poo at the same time!! It was kind of funny to see it when that happened, but to think deeply, what kind of life they lead to poo and work hard at the same time??!!

As there were a number of sledges running one after another, so I had to step on the brake from time to time so that the dogs didn't go over the front ones (my dogs ran relatively fast), and I felt heartache. Because they were running hard and fast, but I was pressing the brake!! (but actually I don't quite have a choice, coz we were told if they run side by side they would all tangle together). When I did that to them, they would even turn back and look at me...

I'm not sure if those were the holes they live in. It looks so cold and they look so unloved.

This was really an experience. But I would discourage anyone from join any activities like this. I simply hope when there is no demand, the huskies live the kind of life they deserve, run/race only when they want to. I still feel so sorry to have done that.

 Just before the dog sledging begins, what made my eyes watered.

During the dog sledging. This is what you're going to experience, but it really isn't much. 

Values of Life

Yet another October, my blog is now 4 years old.

There's been a lot of thought recently but I don't know what and how to write, perhaps too unorganized. Life has been pretty enjoyable. I remember telling a few friends and also my mum that I'm not aiming to be rich in my life, I am aware how important money is, but I'm not going to work for money. And guess what, within few weeks I kind of regret saying that HAHAHA. It's like the kind of lesson that God or someone wants me to learn. I start finding I need and do not have money in order to do a lot of things, especially we're planning a trip to Norway and Switzerland, and everything is about money, money and money. Really? Life do you have to do this to me?!

I just thought I want to lead a contented life through helping people in needs, and here I'm referring to people who need help psychologically or mentally. I suppose when people see no point of me leaving the country and go home (to, erhmm, survive with a rm2k salary, traffic jams, crimes, corrupted government, etc etc) as opposed to the kind of freedom, all physically, psychologically and financially that I have here. But really I see no point of being a health care assistant in a forensic service for any time longer that I've done so far, it really isn't fulfilling... I think I have far more potential to help people than what I do now. And I think I've been a lucky person all my life so maybe I can share some fortune with the unfortunates too?

Ah anyway, we'll soon see where the life leads me. Yesterday I read the final words of this 40 years old Singaporean billionaire who suffered from lung cancer and passed away about 10 days ago. I think I'm right. I somehow feel grateful that I haven't been adopting the definition of success and values of the society nowadays. There must be times that we're lost, but do some reflection every day, just 5 minutes or even less, sit down and close your eyes, and think about how you've been doing today, and whether that's really the kind of life you want to lead, if you only had a month life left, and whether this is the kind of life you want to lead, if you look back 20 years later and see no regrets.

"Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live."

Will you stay or go?

This thing has been in my mind all these recent years, maybe I haven’t actually got a choice, but I’m just wondering, what’d everyone else out there do?

I have been in this country for almost 6 years now, I understand if I go home I’m going to suffer from what cultural psychologists call “reenter” problems. I’m very used to the life, cultures, shops, traffic, transport, food, weather (maybe not!), living styles, freedom, even the air and the water here…

There was one point in my life, where I come to realize I’m not making a very big difference to other people’s lives while I work here. And that’s because there are plenty of geniuses and professionals here in this country, whether or not Hui Bee serves here, it doesn’t really make a big difference. There are also plenty of people out there who would break their heads intending to serve this country (or, well, to get some benefits whatever ways). So I told myself I should go home and I will be going home. This is what I have been telling myself and sometimes, others.

But deep down in my heart, I’m really not so sure. I don’t know if I’m really that strong and tough to take up all the challenges, after learning how Malaysia is like all this time.  The crimes, the weather, the “cultures”, the language (i.e. Malay), the transport, politics etc etc… Can I cope? Do I need to cope? Do I want to cope? How far can I go? What else are the barriers? Or should I say, take up papa's view, which the older generations would mostly and probably think that there is no "future" back there, so if you can stay, you should.

Of course other than my own professional career (which sometimes I don’t really care about), my family, friends are all home. I’ve left home at the age of 19 and since then only gone home for holidays. I spent my 6 year high school all focus on school, friends, studies but not my parents and family. Then I left. I wonder if I’d regret one day if I continue this. Few months ago I have a friend who lived in Taiwan since he graduated (4 years earlier than me, so he was there for about 10 years), returned home as his father was becoming ill. Now he’s settling better in Malaysia although I guess he quite often missed his life and time in Taiwan. Although before this, I’ve always been aware of this “spending time with parents as they’re getting old” thing. (Believe it or not, one thing that I’ve been changed most, was in fact that I became more of a family person, after leaving home.)

On the other hand, my family back home has grown. By the time I returned next year there are going to be 3 nieces/nephew (and of course two sister-in-laws). In other words, my status is no longer “the youngest” at home (which I didn’t really mind – since I’d had the status for about 24 years!). It made me wonder that at this point of life when I think I want to spend more time with my family, do they still have time for me? I don’t mean that they are going to ignore me or leave me on my own, but is this a point where I’m supposed to be more self-centered rather than family focus? I guess it wasn’t even my choice, was it? Some thing that I’m sure is that the dynamics would have changed, and it could be either positive or negative change, or both.

I want to serve my country, I want to be somewhere closer to my family so that they can visit me or I can visit them more often. I do not like England as far as I’m aware (I am not sure if I like it in some ways subconsciously!).

P.S. This is written few days ago when the internet was down. 

Things that we do subconsciously

I have been wondering all day today whether I applied shampoo while showering this morning. I woke up in the morning and took a shower before going to the library, I haven't got much memory about the shower - I'd assume that's very normal since that's something we do every day. But while I was drying my hair I felt my hair was a bit different, although I couldn't tell the difference in what way. Later I was in the library and the hair was fully dried, I realized my hair was kind of oily. Eh? I just washed it, I thought. Then I tried to recall, and couldn't remember if I apply shampoo while I showered, or I just wet my hair then started washing my face and body...

Occasionally I intended to take facial wash but I put body shampoo in my hands. Other time I wash my face already but I still take more facial wash. Most of the time I complete my showers without much thinking about the shower itself (but probably a lot thinking on something else).

I'm not trying to say that this is abnormal, or being over-worried. But I'm wondering things like this (my brother gave an example of locking a car), we do them naturally, automatically, subconsciously, without much thought on them, then --- how do we know if we really have done it? So yes I know people check (go back to see if they lock their cars, check if they lock the front door, call mum to ask if they remember to shut the auto gate etc). But how about my case? How do I know if I did wash with shampoo?!! It's going to remain unknown for the rest of my life. HAHAHA (Oh but I do collect evidence and am quite convinced that I didn't use the shampoo 1. I felt my hair was strange when I was drying them 2. its felt oily when it was dried 3. I seem to finish shower quicker than I normally do 4. I normally need a bit of conscious brain use to decide how much shower gel to apply but I don't remember making that "decision" today)

Eh but, if it was done subconsciously (rather than unconsciously), there should be means to recover this subconsciousness?!

Sometimes I'm impressed by myself, having the ability to write such a blog post just base on little thing like that. Ha.

The past 5.5 years, The coming 5.5 years

I haven't got anything in particular in mind to write about today, but due to the weather I'm in really good mood, partly also because there was a significant progress with my dissertation today, after meeting with my supervisor the sixth time! What? yes, the 6th, while in fact people are meant to only have 4.

It's the end of week 6 of Summer term, in 2 weeks I'll be completing all the studies, left with 3 assignments and one research dissertation. Time flies. I've been here for over 5.5 years now. Looking back this year, I came to realize I have become a role model of a few people that I really respect/like, including my high school friends, my previous university friend, my working colleague, and even my viwawa friend! I somehow manage to inspire various people, just because of what I'm doing (I guess). But deep in my heart I know I'm not that good! But if I can motivate people a bit, why not?! Hahaha. I've been procrastinating, been demotivated, been in doubts. I don't know what is in front of me, I don't know if I'm ready to take any challenge I'll be in, yet I'm even worried if there isn't a challenge...

I saw, read, heard various things that changed me. I started to learn what's more important in life and in lives. I also came to understand my life has been easy which I'm very grateful with. I somehow believe in this "quota" theory (my own theory, hahaha) where everything has its limit, so I think I'll have to take up a lot more challenges, be facing a lot more difficulties in my future life (because I'm using too much of the "easy" quota). To make the quota theory more understandable - for example, I also have this "hardworking" quota, from the age of 13 I studied real hard because I thought Hin Hua was a very high standard high school and to make sure I did okay I had to work damn hard. So the next 10 years from my 13 years I worked hard throughout (slightly relaxed in the first and second university years). Now it's more than 10+ years, I came to think the quota is worn off. (Okay it's an excuse of being lazy...) My father suddenly popped into my mind, no, I don't think the hardworking quota is only 10 years, it had to be at least 25-30 years, because I believe that's the time of my dad working real hard. (Oh no HuiBee, you've got no more excuse!!).

Anyway, time is running out, I need a good night sleep, just because the weather has been so good (i.e. warm) - it was too hot for me to go to bed at nights, so I haven't been sleeping well.. And I've got to be working for the next 4 days. Then I'll have a short course on voice analyses and desynthesis - should be a very interesting course! I also applied for a hypnotherapy course in July with peiman. Greeeeedy, everything is an interest!

I'm hoping to travel as much as possible too!!! But couldn't find suitable travel partners.. :( Most new friends are interested to go to places that I had been whereas the old friends.. ughh don't ask me! But now the upmost importance is to complete my assignments, then enjoyyyyyy my dissertation research writing~

(P.S. the title is pure random. It's nothing about the past or future 5.5 years! XD)

Virtual World

It's the last day of term. No, not yet. I have yet to graduate. It's the last day of Spring term, I still have Summer term! Had quite an "interesting" lecture day in Mill View Hospital today, which is really not what most of us had expected. We thought we were going to get more practical kind of things but who knows?! They made us travel there then what? Sit in the lecture theatre for whole day!

And I'm going to talk about the final talk "Projected Research and Business Developments" by Susan Conboy-Hill. Let me try to be unbiased and say what this talk is about. They are trying to bring in technology to "do" treatments. So here she talked about the people who are hardest to reach, people who stay at home all the time, people who are scared of human interaction or touching, people who hate leaving home, people who are scared of crowds (perhaps, I added some of these myself), yet all are people who need psychological helps. And they proposed (or in fact are going it already) this "virtual world" where people can learn about interaction, get support, feel "well-being".

Before she even finished introducing the whole ideas of it, my colleagues already started to raising hands objecting how this can probably work, then I joined the debate... We are psychologists (or "worse", we were trained "critical thinking" so much that we criticise everything all the time lol), we emphasise human interactions and think it's incredible central to human lives, well-being, contentment, satisfaction, recovery etc etc.

So I asked her, if Yuko (she just happened to sit next to me so I used her name) had problems interacting with people and thus is prescribed with "Virtual World", how is this going to help her with her situation and to get back to normal life? She answered, "how do you know she wants the interaction?" and carried on with her whole idea of how this can work. I agree, recovery quite often doesn't mean get back to "normal" or "how it used to be", and recovery can simply mean "a sense of well-being" very subjectively, but does she mean Yuko is going to spend the rest of her life in "virtual world"?!! Sometimes in Psychology, even Yuko doesn't know that she wants the interaction, at least not until we help her to do it, then slowly she realizes she really enjoys it and gets the most benefits out of it.

I'm so against technology in some ways. Of course I love technology too. I remember seeing a quote on the train, saying if the world hadn't invented mobile phones, we'd all interact more. Yes, so true. It was meant to assist communication, but nowadays how often do you sit in front of a friend but s/he is using phone on facebook/whatsapp etc?!

I appreciate the kind of convenience technology brings us undeniably. Or I wouldn't be able to Skype with my mum whenever I want. I also appreciate that technology can help with recovery, for example if you have a spot above your eye you google and find out what it possibly be then only decide whether to seek help. But technology can't be a treatment as a whole. Just because we're human... People can often read self-help books and understand more about themselves, can learn how to make themselves feel better etc. There can also be an iphone or android application to help people understand depression or monitor alcohol intake. But how are we going to treat someone with bipolar personality disorder with......... an app? with virtual world?!!!

She acted as if she's very "in" and initially perhaps she also kind of thought she'd get all kind of agreements and acceptance from us because we're the generation who have used and benefit most from the technology ever since. I suppose she was quite shocked to have heard us and turned really defensive, and didn't really make obvious points to answer most of our questions. I don't mean that I don't see the potential of their proposal. But I hate spending so much time in front of the laptop, with the phone. I still do it because there's this habit/addiction/whateveryoucallit. I certainly don't hope to see in the future facebook/twitter/smart phone apps replace all part of our social lives. (She loves twitter so much..) Oh let's go out for dinner... I mean in virtual world?!

And one day when I see you, I lost the ability to interact. (we all are certainly losing it... I just think we should stop before it becomes part of evolution)

The "Social Media Censorship" Debates

I travel a lot on underground and have recently noticed that The Economists has launched a debate on censoring social media. I do not personally think it should be, but I can see why certain people argue that we should - it's understandable. (for more details about the debate, click here)

I just have to say recently I'm quite addicted to a social networking website (Facebook it is. What else?). Although I don't play any facebook games but I can still spend quite a lot of time every day, reading friends' updates, articles, watching videos etc.

And thanks to FB, I came to know LYNAS and this rare earth materials. I do read news on sinchew.com.my, but the thing is I normally skip this type of "political" (I'd think it was if I didn't read on) news. In fact I come to realize a lot of political stuff that I'd never thought I'd be interested in. At times I think they've been exaggerated to reach the purpose/motives of the writers but more importantly, this becomes a very important and accessible media for people of all age no matter where they are, as long as they can access to internet..

From my view it's a good thing. Even when it's violated sometimes (also when it creates some racial issues), as long as we can judge rationally. But I'm not so sure for younger people.

Should social media be censored? Where do you stand?

P.S. I'm not writing about LYNAS.. I think there is no need to say that I'm against it. It doesn't make much sense to go for it. So there's no point to argue here.. (I just don't understand our government..) I'd rather Malaysia to be a developing country for another century or even bankrupt, than earning the money now and having later generations suffer badly.

Qualitative and Quantitative Methods in Psychology

I'm not writing to introduce these methods, so if this is what you're looking for please close this page.

I'm doing my dissertation this time again in quantitative method, originally I thought this reflects my interest and what I thought is the best method. Until recently I realized it doesn't reflect my interest, it reflects what university is able to provide their students with.

I did my undergraduate in University of Gloucestershire. There we had a professor who was a bit sissy (sorry! and worse I can't remember his name now), and he was really good in Discourse Analysis (a type of qualitative method), so that was what we were taught. I remember me and Pei Man did an assignment together regarding religions, in which we interviewed the head of our uni chapel (christian) and a malay friend who practices Islam religiously. I wouldn't say that I was very keen in that assignment, afterall that was something completely new, we weren't even sure what we had to do. This university we have Tom Farsides who is specialized in Ground Theory (another type of qualitative method), so again that's what we were taught in. He is quite a good lecturer, but I didn't pay too much attention during his lecturers, I thought, yes I thought, I wasn't interested, I thought I have decided to be a quantitative researcher.

Until recently, when I start to talk to people regarding my MSc. project. Most people found it very interesting, and quite often people share what they encountered in their lives with me. Today I was speaking to a lady in the language institute, she was like completely surprised and happy with what I'm doing, and told me she is really looking forward to my work. She continued to share some of her knowledge, and more importantly, some of her experience ("there had been lots of tears in this room (her office)"). I'm surprised how much she knows, despite the fact that she is an English and isn't someone practices in the social science field, but she sees a lot of international students.

You might think I must be happy to meet someone who can provide me with more information about my study. Unfortunately no, I'm slightly upset, with the fact that I'm going to disappoint her with my work. Because quantitative method can never capture so much information, I can never share her experience (and some of others) in my studies, my project is fixed, although it's complicated enough, but still, it's fixed.

Before I left I told her perhaps I can do an interview with her and learn more about her experience.. then we both smiled and said "for my (your) phd". Of course I was just joking, I told myself I am NOT going to take phd, at least not now.. but this is the first time...

(1) I feel I have to use qualitative method to capture how human behaviour really is like

(2) I think about doing a phd!!!

When you become a Psychologist

I have become a Psychologist a few years now, although I don't really see too much difference in myself but I slowly realized how people see me differently..

Another day I was talking to a psychologist-wanna-be, we were just talking about a guy she likes etc, then towards the end she claimed that she can see how "professionally" I formed my questions and she was suitably impressed. I was a bit surprised because I really thought we were just having some girls talk, quite casually although I certainly concern about how she feels. So I explained to her there was nothing psychology related..

When you complete a psychology degree people somehow see you differently, it is like you can never have girls talks or chat normally any more, because people will keep be reminded that they are taking to a psychologist, not a friend. But they forget that I can be a psychologist, a friend, and also a psychologist friend, or, just huibee.

Sometimes they really want to consult about something, for example a cousin who seems to be autistic, an uncle who has severe sleep disturbance, or just basically themselves having insomnia. At this point its okay you try your best to say what you know and think can help..

But at other times, they talk about their problems, so you listen and try to comfort like any friends will do, they then start becoming annoyed, wondering or even asking cant you just behave like a normal friend but not talk like a psychologist as if they need psychological helps! Well, in fact there isn't such thing (the psychologist-style-talk), it's all in their mind, their own illusion! All this time huibee is still huibee, the way I talk doesn't change much, in fact I still say what I want to say!

I know this sounds quite nonsense. But I face this situation quite often, especially to friends that I newly come across "wow psychology! I better watch what I say", "wow psychology? do me!" (DO WHAT?!).. or worse, they just take it and bear in mind subsconsciously and we carry on to talk, then towards the end they suddenly say "so that's what you think as a psychologist", "so that's how psychologist xxx", wrong wrong wrong! thats what I think being myself...

Now even worse, even myself start getting that illusion. When friends come to tell me s/he having insomnia, I start to wonder what s/he is expecting.. a psychologist's advice? (err I dont know! I can only use general knowledge..) or a friend's comfort? or just a listener?!

*Confused*

A Day in the Life of a Mental Hospital Patient

Just read this:

A day in the Life of a Mental Hospital Patient

Going to a mental hospital is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by and I encourage everyone to take that step if they find it necessary. Life can be overwhelming and sometimes we just need to heal.

I find that quote good - stigma-free. Maybe becoming a patient for a period of time will make me a better carer too? Anyway, that isn't the main purpose of my post..

I can't help comparing how a day of this particular person (no longer patient)'s day compared to those that are on my ward. Some parts of it are quite similar, but I just really want to point out the main difference, which is the rehabilitation activities. Similarly, we have all those structures (certain time for meals, medications, basic activities like garden breaks), but how about the rehabilitation part? Someone on my ward can sleep through the whole shift (7.5 hours) and not doing anything. Others can just get up only for meals and leaves and do nothing else for whole day. What's good for keeping them in there and not doing anything meaningful and productive? And worse, not even helping with their mental states and general health (well most of them are obese). There isn't structured rehabilitation activities, if there is, there are way too loose (e.g. one to one session that only takes place every one to two weeks, psychology sessions that happens only once a week etc). What can they do other than those?

Sleep + Eat.

And can you believe for these people to Sleep + Eat peacefully every single day, how much are we taxpayers paying for that?!!!! It's okay if it helps, but does it?

One used to tell a member of staff, when the latter told him he's good at cooking, he can be a cook when he leaves the hospital, the patient said "no I'm not going to work. I'll receive benefits for the rest of my life." So oh yeah, more money for his benefits, travel pass, accommodations etc. This is what the service leads them to. Ouch! that's my moneee :(

Wow

A kind of funny thought came out to my mind today when I was having the monthly staff meeting on the ward... Phil (the ward manager) wanted us to say something positive about the ward if the dice turns out 3-6 and negative if 1-2. He passed it to me, I rolled it and it showed 4, I then thought for 2-3 seconds then said something that I really like about this ward.

Then the dice was passed on. I was then thinking, I was doing all these so naturally, I was the first one to start with, I was speaking English in front of all these people whose mother tongue is English, but my heart didn't even beat a little faster.

You might not realize what I want to say yet, because even myself have not realized what I have become until today. I went to Chinese kindergarden, Chinese primary school, Chinese secondary (high) school. I'd never liked English class (apart from Junior 2, Ms Mariam who was an excellant teacher). I was consistently one of the highest scorers in most if not all subjects, and it was always English the exemption. I disliked it, I wasn't interested to learn it, I found it so difficult.

But today, it all happened so naturally. Wow. I'm impressed.

P.S. I've been put down to go to Thorpe Park (for work)!! Really excited!

People are sick.

Riots started from Tottenham and London and now all across the UK. I can still hear ambulance and police siren out there while I'm writing this. I wonder what's wrong with these people, with this mindless and disgraceful acts, what have they achieved?

Now people lost their home, some with little babies. Some people lost everything in their shops. Today when I was on the way back home from work, I saw a shop which glasses was broken, put a note out saying "This shop is close, there is nothing inside". The looters have got what they wanted, by breaking the glasses and went in to pick what they want. It even came out on the news that some chaps even went into JD sports to try on trainers during the riots! Pure madness.

Initially I didn't think it was this bad. Because apparently a mum from Tottenham said on the evening the building was set on fire, there were youth running on the corridors shouting "Fire" and even helped her to run with her kids. Alright so I assumed they weren't going to hurt people, at least they don't want anyone killed. But now, after three nights in a row and now the fourth, I think they are nowhere thoughtful even if they've done that. They're young teenagers, who don't even know what they're doing, what have happened and are going to happen, they're doing it because others are doing it - all credits to our social medias, to spread the news to call for gathering.

Now some are blaming the migrants, the whites blaming the blacks, the blacks blaming the government. But it turns out really obvious (from the CCTV) that it wasnt just a particular group of people. There are black, white, brown, oriental, purple and green (well they're all covered, who knows some are purple/green?!! Cowards, if you're so brave to have done this, why not show your face?!). Also, a video on youtube shows a Malaysian student was actually robbed by those rioters after injured during the riots.

Anyway, I'm just grumbling. I still managed to go to work today. Enfield town seems to be under controlled now. It's 'good' that it was attacked on the 2nd night, so police were ready to defend it (after 1st night), and there's now police officers everywhere (so hopefully nothing major is going to happen again). Oh by the way, all these were claimed to start because of Mark Duggan was [fatally] shot by the police. I don't know what's true or not, apparently people, including the officers can say whatever they want, but it's quite sure that he is not an innocent man. But then I also believe he was just used as an excuse.

One of the colleagues was saying they should really bring the army in, which I do not agree with. I think if the whole thing isn't dealt very sensitively, things are going to get real bad. Though I agree, their government is rather soft (I've not even seen tear gas yet so far! they only brought some big dogs when it happened in Enfield), and you know what, they talk TOO much about human right. Put it this way, to be considerate to those rioters and rooters and arson-ers and whatevers, and consider so much about their human rights, then who is going to stand up for the human right of we the innocences and victims?

But then after watching the news, I'm thinking what's wrong with the young generation? is it them to be blamed? or the society, the parents, the adults?! What makes this people being brought up in this society yet turn around and become rioters and creating mayhem? The news said some (of the rioters) are uni graduates, college students, graphic designers, army-to-be etc. If they're happy and healthy mentally, why would they have done this?

Japan, the world shares your grief

I don't want to see the pictures and the videos, but when I was in the ward, I can't help stopping by the TV watching the news seeing how it's like now. I want to know how they are now, but at the same time I can't bear the pain T__T

It just reminded me years ago the Si Chuan earthquake, that was a final exam period in May, every morning I woke up, read those news with my breakfast, hoping things were getting better, at the same time being very thankful I could be sitting there and studying for my exam (there were kids who were in class and buried under the school buildings when it happened)

Japan, stay strong.

and people, we should all learn to be more grateful...

P.S. sometimes it's terrifying to think what the nature can do to us little humans..