Just got to Moan!

I returned to work after a few days off yesterday, after some discussion with a colleague I decided to take up the response, and this little decision made yesterday the record of my life. I went to the female ward twice, and physically restrained and put two persons in the seclusion rooms.

For the first one, she was kind of abusive and fighting back when I got there. I had to restrain her on her feet (which I think I did it correctly), but my right arm was hurting awfully. After some struggles of 20 minutes as she wouldn't cooperate, we got her there. I got 4 bruises in both of my hands, and when I got home I found one big bruise on my thigh.Another staff even fell over. I thought the incident was bad, and so decided to take a break after that. After I returned, the alarm went off again, so again I went to the same ward. I saw a patient standing by the garden door completely naked, stood by her was a male staff and another female staff who was just about coming to help. I took over the male staff, and we tried to cover her with a bed sheet, and brought her to the therapy room. We helped her to put on some clothes there. She was still crying, shouting that she was very scared, and describing what happened to her in the past. The charge nurse then decided to put her in the seclusion on our ward (this ward is next to us). Although I see completely no point of doing so (why would you put someone who was scare and crying, and not harming/hurting anyone in the seclusion room?!), I did what we were told. She was crying and saying she was scared throughout.

So that was what happened to me as a response nurse, within 3-4 hours. I went home feeling sorry for them, tired, and telling myself I wouldn't want to be on this job for anytime longer than this. It wasn't that I don't like my job, it was just that I don't think we're helping them, and this is bad. This is of a caring job, we're supposed to be helping them.

This morning I came back for a long day (a 14.5hours shift with an hour break which you don't get it sometimes). I was supposed to take someone back to his parents' home (in theory this is meant to be part of therapeutic recovery). Because of what happened in the past, I came prepared. As we left, he was getting abusive to me... I couldn't convince him to come back with me, so I had to call the ward and they got the unit coordinator and the response team in a van to come to the train station to pick him back (we walked there). So all I had to do was to convince him to stay there, and wait for another escort as such (given that he thinks he was annoyed by me). It then went okay as things go and he came back. He was becoming remorseful and kind of apologized (but that is him, the fluctuation of his mood and behaviours). I got to say I felt fully supported by this qualified nurse who picked up the call and supported me throughout. She clearly knew what happened in the past and was imagining if that was going to happen to me, I was almost in tears. But later as things go I feel much better. (Other than those occasionally awful incidents, there are many other who can often cheer me up)

I'm actually on my break now. I don't know what I'm feeling and thinking, about this job, about working here, about the patients here. I'm not angry at or upset by any patient as far as I'm concerned, but I slowly realized what annoys me was the staff (the pm shift staff), and it had nothing to do with the patients who are not well (that's why they are here; although for many instances I'd say it was actually the system here that drives them unsettled).

It's a lot easier to in fact deal with the so-called mad people, then those who are "normal", but lazy, sarcastic, ignorant  and uncaring (especially when they are in a caring job!). 

Values of Life

Yet another October, my blog is now 4 years old.

There's been a lot of thought recently but I don't know what and how to write, perhaps too unorganized. Life has been pretty enjoyable. I remember telling a few friends and also my mum that I'm not aiming to be rich in my life, I am aware how important money is, but I'm not going to work for money. And guess what, within few weeks I kind of regret saying that HAHAHA. It's like the kind of lesson that God or someone wants me to learn. I start finding I need and do not have money in order to do a lot of things, especially we're planning a trip to Norway and Switzerland, and everything is about money, money and money. Really? Life do you have to do this to me?!

I just thought I want to lead a contented life through helping people in needs, and here I'm referring to people who need help psychologically or mentally. I suppose when people see no point of me leaving the country and go home (to, erhmm, survive with a rm2k salary, traffic jams, crimes, corrupted government, etc etc) as opposed to the kind of freedom, all physically, psychologically and financially that I have here. But really I see no point of being a health care assistant in a forensic service for any time longer that I've done so far, it really isn't fulfilling... I think I have far more potential to help people than what I do now. And I think I've been a lucky person all my life so maybe I can share some fortune with the unfortunates too?

Ah anyway, we'll soon see where the life leads me. Yesterday I read the final words of this 40 years old Singaporean billionaire who suffered from lung cancer and passed away about 10 days ago. I think I'm right. I somehow feel grateful that I haven't been adopting the definition of success and values of the society nowadays. There must be times that we're lost, but do some reflection every day, just 5 minutes or even less, sit down and close your eyes, and think about how you've been doing today, and whether that's really the kind of life you want to lead, if you only had a month life left, and whether this is the kind of life you want to lead, if you look back 20 years later and see no regrets.

"Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live."

End of Another Chapter

Huh what?!?! I handed in my research dissertation today! That unofficially marked the end of my postgraduate study. Oh my god, I still can't quite believe it, this feeling is incredible (the 4th or 5th time I'm saying this today XD).

It hasn't been an easy year I've got to say, but now what? It's all over. I'm once again... "no longer a student". I didn't quite feel it this strong the last time I completed my undergraduate, though that was an exam that marked the end.

Guess it's just important to thank everyone especially my family and some close friends who make this whole year easier for me, and to make this possible. I truly appreciated that! I also made a few cards using the pictures I took in Brighton as a farewell gift to some international friends and as a thank you card to some who have really helped me. :) Now I can only hope that it all goes well and I can wear my gown again on January next year :D.

I'm going to relax!! and enjoy Brighton, for the first time, without any "immediate" stress, I'm going to enjoy Brighton. Oh by the way, I've got so tanned when a friend visited me last week and we kind of crazily walked by the seaside all the way to Marina then to Hove. If mama sees this she's going to think this is how I looked when I was in Hin Hua. =X (to be honest even I couldn't quite recognize myself from the mirror =__=)

Anyway, if you were to ask me about my future plan. Well, I have two more stages of Hypnotherapy diploma to complete in September. Then hopefully do some travellings in european countries (and visit Miriam in Hamburg!!). Depending on what HR says, I might come back full time on my job in the hospital - my manager would be happy with it. Then I should be going home. I'm going to work with people who need me!!! :)) If like most of my colleagues you're going to ask about doing a PhD, yes!! But not now... I'd love to become a student again, but seriously, I'm not a study freak, that should take place at some points of my life when I know what I'd love to spend three years with.

P.S. Oh my god, the label "my PG study" will probably never be used again?!

Things that we do subconsciously

I have been wondering all day today whether I applied shampoo while showering this morning. I woke up in the morning and took a shower before going to the library, I haven't got much memory about the shower - I'd assume that's very normal since that's something we do every day. But while I was drying my hair I felt my hair was a bit different, although I couldn't tell the difference in what way. Later I was in the library and the hair was fully dried, I realized my hair was kind of oily. Eh? I just washed it, I thought. Then I tried to recall, and couldn't remember if I apply shampoo while I showered, or I just wet my hair then started washing my face and body...

Occasionally I intended to take facial wash but I put body shampoo in my hands. Other time I wash my face already but I still take more facial wash. Most of the time I complete my showers without much thinking about the shower itself (but probably a lot thinking on something else).

I'm not trying to say that this is abnormal, or being over-worried. But I'm wondering things like this (my brother gave an example of locking a car), we do them naturally, automatically, subconsciously, without much thought on them, then --- how do we know if we really have done it? So yes I know people check (go back to see if they lock their cars, check if they lock the front door, call mum to ask if they remember to shut the auto gate etc). But how about my case? How do I know if I did wash with shampoo?!! It's going to remain unknown for the rest of my life. HAHAHA (Oh but I do collect evidence and am quite convinced that I didn't use the shampoo 1. I felt my hair was strange when I was drying them 2. its felt oily when it was dried 3. I seem to finish shower quicker than I normally do 4. I normally need a bit of conscious brain use to decide how much shower gel to apply but I don't remember making that "decision" today)

Eh but, if it was done subconsciously (rather than unconsciously), there should be means to recover this subconsciousness?!

Sometimes I'm impressed by myself, having the ability to write such a blog post just base on little thing like that. Ha.

The past 5.5 years, The coming 5.5 years

I haven't got anything in particular in mind to write about today, but due to the weather I'm in really good mood, partly also because there was a significant progress with my dissertation today, after meeting with my supervisor the sixth time! What? yes, the 6th, while in fact people are meant to only have 4.

It's the end of week 6 of Summer term, in 2 weeks I'll be completing all the studies, left with 3 assignments and one research dissertation. Time flies. I've been here for over 5.5 years now. Looking back this year, I came to realize I have become a role model of a few people that I really respect/like, including my high school friends, my previous university friend, my working colleague, and even my viwawa friend! I somehow manage to inspire various people, just because of what I'm doing (I guess). But deep in my heart I know I'm not that good! But if I can motivate people a bit, why not?! Hahaha. I've been procrastinating, been demotivated, been in doubts. I don't know what is in front of me, I don't know if I'm ready to take any challenge I'll be in, yet I'm even worried if there isn't a challenge...

I saw, read, heard various things that changed me. I started to learn what's more important in life and in lives. I also came to understand my life has been easy which I'm very grateful with. I somehow believe in this "quota" theory (my own theory, hahaha) where everything has its limit, so I think I'll have to take up a lot more challenges, be facing a lot more difficulties in my future life (because I'm using too much of the "easy" quota). To make the quota theory more understandable - for example, I also have this "hardworking" quota, from the age of 13 I studied real hard because I thought Hin Hua was a very high standard high school and to make sure I did okay I had to work damn hard. So the next 10 years from my 13 years I worked hard throughout (slightly relaxed in the first and second university years). Now it's more than 10+ years, I came to think the quota is worn off. (Okay it's an excuse of being lazy...) My father suddenly popped into my mind, no, I don't think the hardworking quota is only 10 years, it had to be at least 25-30 years, because I believe that's the time of my dad working real hard. (Oh no HuiBee, you've got no more excuse!!).

Anyway, time is running out, I need a good night sleep, just because the weather has been so good (i.e. warm) - it was too hot for me to go to bed at nights, so I haven't been sleeping well.. And I've got to be working for the next 4 days. Then I'll have a short course on voice analyses and desynthesis - should be a very interesting course! I also applied for a hypnotherapy course in July with peiman. Greeeeedy, everything is an interest!

I'm hoping to travel as much as possible too!!! But couldn't find suitable travel partners.. :( Most new friends are interested to go to places that I had been whereas the old friends.. ughh don't ask me! But now the upmost importance is to complete my assignments, then enjoyyyyyy my dissertation research writing~

(P.S. the title is pure random. It's nothing about the past or future 5.5 years! XD)

Tulips!

Got to admit I didn't make very good decision this time, wasn't being considerate enough to realize I might not be able to cope with a long day before flying early in the morning.

I mean, I'm on a 12 hours shift long day tomorrow, 2.5 hours away from where I live, and I have to come back and get ready for an early flight the next day..

I always believe in making the impossibles possible, but the long day tomorrow is ruining my holiday mood, and I have yet to mention, I'm FINALLY going to Amsterdam! It's been more like a dream saying to go and not being able to "achieve" it.

Hope all go well and tulips are all blossoming waiting for us!

I still have some essays that I don't know what to do with it. It's just not something that I have done before and despite swallowing 3-4 chapters of the book I still don't get how to start and what to do with it :(

I used to think all this will come to an end once I completed Spring term. But it doesn't seem like it. Haih. When all these are over I hope I can then enjoy doing my research. The British data collection has completed, Malaysian participants and Msian in UK is on their way. I do really struggle to get enough people for MSinUK. On one hand I wouldn't put too much pressure on people, but on the other the pressure is on myself if I couldn't get enough people. I do appreciate those who really tried hard to help, especially some who aren't even very close friends...

Hoping to go to Turkey and Egypt at least, during Summer. At best if pama can come, at best they can all come...

Where I live and love. It always reminds me to be grateful, to slow down and feel the now and then.

The "Social Media Censorship" Debates

I travel a lot on underground and have recently noticed that The Economists has launched a debate on censoring social media. I do not personally think it should be, but I can see why certain people argue that we should - it's understandable. (for more details about the debate, click here)

I just have to say recently I'm quite addicted to a social networking website (Facebook it is. What else?). Although I don't play any facebook games but I can still spend quite a lot of time every day, reading friends' updates, articles, watching videos etc.

And thanks to FB, I came to know LYNAS and this rare earth materials. I do read news on sinchew.com.my, but the thing is I normally skip this type of "political" (I'd think it was if I didn't read on) news. In fact I come to realize a lot of political stuff that I'd never thought I'd be interested in. At times I think they've been exaggerated to reach the purpose/motives of the writers but more importantly, this becomes a very important and accessible media for people of all age no matter where they are, as long as they can access to internet..

From my view it's a good thing. Even when it's violated sometimes (also when it creates some racial issues), as long as we can judge rationally. But I'm not so sure for younger people.

Should social media be censored? Where do you stand?

P.S. I'm not writing about LYNAS.. I think there is no need to say that I'm against it. It doesn't make much sense to go for it. So there's no point to argue here.. (I just don't understand our government..) I'd rather Malaysia to be a developing country for another century or even bankrupt, than earning the money now and having later generations suffer badly.

New Year, again

It's hard to stop myself from saying it's again, another year. For the past few years I summarized what happened in that year and wrote a post at the end of the year, but not the 2011. It isn't that I haven't achieved anything worth noting, but I haven't got the time to do it. I was at work from 22nd to 26th of Dec, then went to Barcelona on 27th and came back on 30th late night, at work again on new year eve. Other than that I've been trying to work on my addiction essay, linear models exam and preparation for dissertation, and of course, some "necessary" entertainments.

That kind of summarize my life..

It has been quite a year for me. Let's talk about work first. Though I'm not going to talk about the content of my work, but the people I'm working with. I learnt so much, and realized how blessed I'm. I must had done a lot of good deeds in the past to have known some very nice people, for example one left me with her flat keys for me to stay in when she's away for holidays, and a lot of very nice colleagues. I don't think I believe in karma, since I was brought up, being told by my mum that we shouldn't do bad things, but we don't have to do good things too. And I can see where that comes from (it would take few hundreds words to explain that). Yet for me to have received all these kindness, I have to do something to pass the kindness and love around, I think. I don't know how yet, though. Ha ha. Perhaps I just dont like this "owing" feelings, I want to return the favour, but I can't, not yet.

Another major change in the year 2011 must be enrolling myself into a clinical psychology postgraduate study. That's like back in Hin Hua, that's what I call study, and what I realized I've lost - the ability to work so hard like nobody's business. It's way too different from pursuing my undergraduate degree. But I guess I enjoy it, I guess, most of the time, if it's not all the time.

It has also been more than 5 years since I came to the UK. I see how much I've changed, then I wonder if anyone else sees that. There are certainly changes that I don't want them to be, I suppose we human don't always have choice (is free will an illusion? there will be few thousands words discussion..).

Other than that, I went home twice this year. My eldest brother got married in June. I became an aunty in July. I moved to a beautiful city in September. I said Good Bye to my 5 year old Dell and welcomed my Macbook Pro. I started to go to church occasionally. ... ...

New Year resolutions is not something for me. And I think I have so many things to do that I do not need more to have myself fail doing. The most important thing now is to look for my motivation, to pull myself together and study. (Now I'm going to watch drama..)

P.S. I aim to write more about my trip to Barcelona if I have the time!

I want to write something

Yes, I just want to write something. Just re-read my previous post, it was what?! November! and we're now in the 2nd week of December already.. What?!!?!

I handed in all three assignments today. I don't know how they'll come out, I didn't aim high I've got to admit it. But I did try my best. It's just too much. TOO much to cope with. Anyway it's gone now. There is a MOCK exam tomorrow (people tend to ignore the word "mock" when I mentioned that...). I don't think there's anything I can prepare tonight, I'm just going to bring all my handouts tomorrow and see how well I can do. The real exam will be after Christmas holidays. Well, after the so-called holidays, in which I have one 3000 words essay and one 1000 words essay due, one exam, one whole book to finish (for my research dissertation, written by my supervisor!). To be honest I'm really glad to have him as my supervisor, it just seems that he knows "anyone" in the cross-cultural field (I think he was the editor of Journal of Cross-cultural Psychology and the president of something else.....). I hope we'd work well together (well, we should). The workload is going to be highhhh though.

Going to Barcelona with PM, Fel and Jedwind (stranger to my blog - this is originally PM's housemate's friend..) at the end of December! That's going to be my only break. I was really thinking whether I should go, with all my workload (I'm still working, especially returning my "debt" hours). But mama said go to relax (although she also said can go after graduation!). Okay, relax.

It's so cold. I don't know if it's a good idea to live at seafront!! The wind is so bloody strong, I can hear the wind and the wave all the time! And I have to really look after myself because it seems everyone gets sick really easily at this place.. Oh well when it's nice and sunny, it all returns, who gets to see sunrise and sunset every day?!! (Did I say that I live same row with Hilton and many other hotels?!) And my location is even better than Hilton. Ha ha ha ha ha...

Oh Hui Bee, you need to write some quality posts.. D:

Stressful, Emotional, Contented

Handed in the first assignment and did a presentation yesterday. Spent over 12 hours in the uni. Got to know my supervisor today. Working (as in as a health care assistant not a master student) tomorrow all the way till Wednesday morning next week.

This life ain't easy. Another 3 pieces of assignment due in 2 weeks. I hope there is another huibee to help out a little bit.

Ryuji (my presentation group mate, japanese) said, he could feel everyone's stressful too, because everyone gets angry really easily, everyone is like really impatient now. True. I told him I get angry really easily now. With my flatmate Akansha (Indian) closing the door loudly a few times at night and in the morning every day, I spoke to her for the 3rd time about the same thing just now. I actually said "Fuck You" when it happened again. Lol. No, I won't fuck you. Sorry.

Most of the time I'm actually quite happy, despite the stress. I feel contented when I have a lot done, especially nowadays I like to stay in the library and work till evening, with my macbook. Most of the time will be quite lucky to bump into some other stressful big-headed friends who are also rushing for something. But undeniably my emotion fluctuates so much, just slightly better than bipolar mood disorder I believe, slightly.

I made some friends. Met some ASEAN (mainly Malaysian and Singaporean) friends, a Chinese from SiChuan whom I quite like to befriend in my class, a Jap guy that I mentioned already, a Germany girl who is also in my presentation group, and another two Malaysians who took some modules with me. Of course, I also made quite some Hi-and-Bye friends.

Last week I was so fed up with my work manager Phil that I thought about leaving work. Someone who offered to help me turned me down and I nearly had to sleep on the street last week. They said when god closes one door, he will open a window for you. So within 5 minutes the window showed up, then I realized how lucky and blessed I am. Not fed up anymore. But I really want to know whether I should keep the job, and I wonder who can give me the answer.

I bought a Christmas present for the work "secret santa" game. I wrapped it up nicely and cut the letters of her name down from a magazine (poor magazine!) and sticked them on the wrapping paper. I wonder who my secret santa is?!

Damn it when I'm typing this, a Black man opened my door!!!!! I think he's the Jamaican flatmate, Kady's friend. Walao =.=. I'm still in shock. He said sorry and closed the door back. I didn't even smile. It's not okay. I won't smile! (See how easy I get angry!!) Okay, nevermind. By the way my flatmates are all nice, despite what I said about them.

Oh how can I forget that there will be a Malaysian Chinese moving into the flat upstairs next week. I know her from facebook - ha ha, random, I know! But it was because we were all looking for people who're from same kampung before we came to Sussex. (How come chrome didn't pick up "kampung" as a spelling mistake?!?!?!) So next time there will be someone who can have dinner with me or travel back from uni with me (she likes to stay in library to study too).

All these look so random and schizophrenic. Just some screen shots of my life recently. Christmas holidays in two weeks. I really want to ski!! But nobody is interested to go with me so far :(

I think I should talk to mama/family more. It always makes me feel better (no matter what random things we say). And I really want to meet my niece... by the time I meet her, she's probably no longer a baby!!

A Newly PG Student

I moved to Brighton and had my induction last week. It'd be my first class tomorrow, as a MSc. Clinical Psychology and Mental Health student in University of Sussex.

It seems that I didn't give myself enough preparation (psychologically), I caught a cold on Tuesday while I was doing nights, sore throat, cough, fever, headache. Until this second I'm still not sure if my decision of keeping my job is right (but it's certainly not wrong). I suppose that's just something in me, that I always want to make myself proud, (and also people around me), so I take up the challenge.

The weather was amazing when I moved in, I was admiring the beach and walking around quite a lot during the first week (I can see the Brighton beach just through my room window!). But returning from London today, I could barely move downhill as the wind is so strong, yes it still is! I think I forgot, that whether it's Cheltenham, London or Brighton, I'm still in England! Typical English weather!!

Anyway, after a few hours of studies it's time for entertainments! Then I'll get some sleep and go to library before class tomorrow.

Big Fat Bully

Bully is home. It makes me depressed. I am supposed to be very jovial as I'm off for the next few days after three long days. But hearing his voice makes me sick.

I'm going to act like nothing happens, and like he's invisible. Can't wait to move out.

Wow

A kind of funny thought came out to my mind today when I was having the monthly staff meeting on the ward... Phil (the ward manager) wanted us to say something positive about the ward if the dice turns out 3-6 and negative if 1-2. He passed it to me, I rolled it and it showed 4, I then thought for 2-3 seconds then said something that I really like about this ward.

Then the dice was passed on. I was then thinking, I was doing all these so naturally, I was the first one to start with, I was speaking English in front of all these people whose mother tongue is English, but my heart didn't even beat a little faster.

You might not realize what I want to say yet, because even myself have not realized what I have become until today. I went to Chinese kindergarden, Chinese primary school, Chinese secondary (high) school. I'd never liked English class (apart from Junior 2, Ms Mariam who was an excellant teacher). I was consistently one of the highest scorers in most if not all subjects, and it was always English the exemption. I disliked it, I wasn't interested to learn it, I found it so difficult.

But today, it all happened so naturally. Wow. I'm impressed.

P.S. I've been put down to go to Thorpe Park (for work)!! Really excited!

People are sick.

Riots started from Tottenham and London and now all across the UK. I can still hear ambulance and police siren out there while I'm writing this. I wonder what's wrong with these people, with this mindless and disgraceful acts, what have they achieved?

Now people lost their home, some with little babies. Some people lost everything in their shops. Today when I was on the way back home from work, I saw a shop which glasses was broken, put a note out saying "This shop is close, there is nothing inside". The looters have got what they wanted, by breaking the glasses and went in to pick what they want. It even came out on the news that some chaps even went into JD sports to try on trainers during the riots! Pure madness.

Initially I didn't think it was this bad. Because apparently a mum from Tottenham said on the evening the building was set on fire, there were youth running on the corridors shouting "Fire" and even helped her to run with her kids. Alright so I assumed they weren't going to hurt people, at least they don't want anyone killed. But now, after three nights in a row and now the fourth, I think they are nowhere thoughtful even if they've done that. They're young teenagers, who don't even know what they're doing, what have happened and are going to happen, they're doing it because others are doing it - all credits to our social medias, to spread the news to call for gathering.

Now some are blaming the migrants, the whites blaming the blacks, the blacks blaming the government. But it turns out really obvious (from the CCTV) that it wasnt just a particular group of people. There are black, white, brown, oriental, purple and green (well they're all covered, who knows some are purple/green?!! Cowards, if you're so brave to have done this, why not show your face?!). Also, a video on youtube shows a Malaysian student was actually robbed by those rioters after injured during the riots.

Anyway, I'm just grumbling. I still managed to go to work today. Enfield town seems to be under controlled now. It's 'good' that it was attacked on the 2nd night, so police were ready to defend it (after 1st night), and there's now police officers everywhere (so hopefully nothing major is going to happen again). Oh by the way, all these were claimed to start because of Mark Duggan was [fatally] shot by the police. I don't know what's true or not, apparently people, including the officers can say whatever they want, but it's quite sure that he is not an innocent man. But then I also believe he was just used as an excuse.

One of the colleagues was saying they should really bring the army in, which I do not agree with. I think if the whole thing isn't dealt very sensitively, things are going to get real bad. Though I agree, their government is rather soft (I've not even seen tear gas yet so far! they only brought some big dogs when it happened in Enfield), and you know what, they talk TOO much about human right. Put it this way, to be considerate to those rioters and rooters and arson-ers and whatevers, and consider so much about their human rights, then who is going to stand up for the human right of we the innocences and victims?

But then after watching the news, I'm thinking what's wrong with the young generation? is it them to be blamed? or the society, the parents, the adults?! What makes this people being brought up in this society yet turn around and become rioters and creating mayhem? The news said some (of the rioters) are uni graduates, college students, graphic designers, army-to-be etc. If they're happy and healthy mentally, why would they have done this?

"I want sex!"

No no, it wasn't me who said that, lol. I was doing response today, and went down quite a few times to an acute ward, doing reviews on this man in the seclusion room. He's a massive mad man, and has hit two of our TAMVA instructors (who are supposed to be very professional and the top people in restraining patients). I'd never met this man till today. But I have heard a lot of stories from others who have done response in the past two weeks. One of the significant event that I remember was that he pooed in the seclusion room, and made it really dirty, then that day when they tried to do a review, he stood up, slipped on his own poo and fell on his own poo! (hahahahah, how dramatic is that?!) Apart from that he's always naked (not today, just half naked) and very very inappropriate to female staff.

Today when I went, I was thinking I would be really useless, as a little young female nurse. It turned out he's obsessed with females again, then was telling the other staff that he wanted to talk to me (the other female staff around are at more mature age..), so I became a lure, to keep his attention, while they put his food and drinks via the toilet sides and unlocked the room before he realized. I found that quite funny, because I basically just had to talk (through the interphone/viewing panel), then I've done my part. xD Though one of the times he kept asking me to come closer, then when I told him to put the mattress back to where it should be, he started repeatedly saying "I want sex!" The nurse in charge said directly, okay! it's over!

His behaviour is entirely unexplainable (apart from the word 'madness'). His speech is incoherent, and is so obsessed with females. At the same time he is also strong and can be so violent. He can be naked in front of so many staff not feeling a thing; He stuffed his food below the door; He doesn't use toilet but anywhere of the room...

He will be sent to a high security hospital next week. I'm just wondering how people like him get well.. I'd like to learn that and be part of someone like that's progress, but then it seems the control and restraint that we learnt is nothing when we face someone like him.. I know some of the guys on my ward used to be very mad before too. I hope some time in the future I'd get to explore the more severe area. :)

Grateful :D

一个累字形容今天

可是心里却满满是感恩 :D

我想有时候我把人性想得不够好

这世界有太多值得让我学习的人...

P.S. I'll elaborate what happened when everything is confirmed and when I've got some spare energy.

Halo August

It's nearly the end of July, and I have not had any update for nearly two months, surprisingly when I checked my viewers there are still about 4 visitors on average every day, I guess it's still the old debatable posts that are receiving attentions (rather than any friends/family).

Life has not been too busy, I simply lost the passion to blog :S.

Something really important to note is that I have turned into an auntie on July the 13th, welcoming my niece to the world. :) She's also a rabbit (Chinese zodiac), was born also at 2+ o'clock in the early morning, just like me, ha ha.

I'm still a grateful person (pure random), though I went through a kind of depressive period when I first came back to London again in June. But things are all good now, sometimes we forget who we are. Sometimes we forget what we really want and need. Sometimes we just focus too much on certain things and overlook other important things.

In 1.5 months, I'm going to be here for 5 whole years. :O

I no longer know how to write a proper blog post...

Compliments to TGV, Bukit Tinggi

Went to watch a movie Kung Fu Panda 2 in TGV, Bukit Tinggi today with a friend. Although the movie is good and I'll recommend it to most people, I'm not writing about it today...

We bought the tickets from the counter at around noon, and there were tickets ready by the machine after we stated what we wanted to watch, which was quite strange, but the cashier double checked and made sure the tickets matched what we wanted exactly (apart from the seats, which were even better). When time approached we went in for the movie, there was a man standing just by the row N (our seats were N9 and N10), and asked to see my tickets, I showed him and he led us out, explained to us that there was system errors- those two seats had been booked online by somebody else, and were taken. I was sort of disappointed and thinking what he could offer us. He then said that he could refund us, then also showed two cards (which was called something like compensation card(?)). My friend asked if there was any seat left in the same screen and he said no but he could offer us couple seat (which was slightly more expensive?) for the next time slot (screending an hour and 50 minutes later). We were cool with the later time since my friend had to wait for her sister anyway. Then he said he could refund us. By then we realized, we were going to get the refund, and still watching a later show (which we're happy with) with better seats [free of charge].

Wow, I didn't know such good service exists in Malaysia nowadays (lol). And this man is polite and very apologetic (well, sure ma, it's their fault!). I'd probably be quite happy if I get a refund and some very good attitudes, but now I get refund, good attitudes, and free good movie, so I'm very happy, and decided to write a compliment on my blog (oh am I too easily pleased?). Hahaha. Well done!

The other thing is he gave us back the torn tickets and just changed the details by hand, so I was like "how if they said we changed it ourselves" and wanted his name, he said they couldn't print a new one, then put his signature on the tickets and said the staff would recognize it was his. I should have got his name [just in case], but now I think if I had then he would get the compliment together. (Eventually we got in without any problem)

P.S. I also feel very paiseh when he explained [a lot] in Malay and I only heard the word "sistem", and asked to repeat in English after he finished. lol

405ml

I went to blood donation again today after the first time on March last year. It seems that because this is a peak holiday season they need blood more desperately than they normally do and I keep receiving invitations, had been trying to book appointments but it always clashes with my working hours, till today.

This time I passed the iron level straight without too much 'effort'. Though when it came to giving blood, for some unknown reasons the blood just didn't flow, it kept running below the level, ended up having 4 different nurses kept coming around to look at me with 1 staying with me all the time. She explained to me the whole process normally takes 8-10 minutes and shouldn't exceed 15 minutes, and my blood flow could be as slow as the speed of 12ml/min (12x15 = 180ml, but we should be giving 475ml pack). Throughout the process I had been trying all the methods I know to relax myself and my arm, and also repeating opening and closing my palm (she said people don't normally need to do it for whole process =.=). At the end I managed to give 405ml before the time limit, which had some nurses cheering for me (because I was the last few ones, and because I was too slow then I became the last one, so generally they were all quite free at that time).

Luckily this time I suffered no bruise or dizziness :D. Unlike the first experience which was a bit traumatizing (read my post New Blood!). I just had a shower and it seemed that it bled a bit :S I probably tried too hard not to wet it. Anyway, another experience. :D

Who are you? Go away!

Had been working for 11 days in a row which covered at least 15 shifts. What a dramatic day today, but let me talk about yesterday first. Went down to cover another ward's closed obs for 1.5hour, and I never had any good experience in that ward till yesterday - first time! The patient came out from his room after I sat there for 10minutes or so. Then I was talking to another staff saying I had never seen their rabbits (their ward has pet rabbits!!). So with the staff's agree I took the patient out to the garden and visited their rabbits. Very-the-cute. I heard one is pregnant so I asked which, the patient said "white one, the white one is the chick". That made me laugh (just found that funny). After that I played table tennis with him - never touched that for years! I wasn't playing too bad, though I kept telling him slow a bit because I'm and never be good on it. Overall the 1.5hours obs were good. :D

TODAY! well, after a long and tiring long day yesterday, I was allowed to come to work at 7+,8am today. First thing came in, I took a patient out on ground. Uptill Harefield Close, he started to turned left, I thought he just forgot as he is never well. So I called his name, at least 15-20 times! and get no response :S. Called on radio to the ward for few times, no response either. D: At the end called on C3 reception base, which [finally] someone respond to my call. Briefly said who and what happened on the radio. Then I started hearing unit coordinator started calling all response team to camlet 3. I know I was going to get the support. At the same time being worried because he was walking fast and far, I didn't want to get lost myself, especially I didn't know when radio was going to be out of range. I kept go on radio saying which road we were and towards what direction (morning with sunshine, this is the only time I'm good at direction! thank god!). Up till a place I called him again, he turned back and said "Who are you? go away!" (He sometimes would greet me with a big smile - and they are the same man!) So I could only follow him with a distance. Then we actually walked all the way to town (using a very long route). I borrowed mobile phone from one of two men I saw, which he happily lent me his iphone. When I was reporting, the patient was already very far from me (he's at least 6'3, and he doesn't walk slow!). Charged nurse from the ward asked me to go back, just go back. I replied with "I don't even know how to go back!" no phone, no wallet, not even a coin, no oyster card, no card (if got home key I can go home to get some money lol). So decided to try my luck on meeting a nice bus driver who would just take me to the hospital anyway (I believe everyone would). But upon reaching the bus stop, the response team came in a van! OMG, the whole feeling was just too complicated that I forgot to feel happy that they're finally here, yes I mean I forgot. The other charged nurse from my ward was in the van (sometimes call her mama xx as they all like to treat me like a baby). Then I told them the direction where I last seen him, and we managed to get him. But again he asked who they were (I didn't go down the car, just in case it was my problem) and shoo them away. We called the police. The police took quite sometime to come which isn't really usual (probably because today is a bank holiday - Good Friday). He told the police he wasn't a patient but a law student =.=. But police officers managed to get him into our van. Throughout the journey he kept on talking which.. his speech couldn't be understood. Though he also kept saying 'please stop whispering about me thank you'. (Sometimes we weren't even talking... =.=) Reached the ward, nothing much to note after that.

I think I had done well, and am grateful I had done running in the past (and still doing sometimes when the mood comes xD). Most staff think the same though some think I didn't really have to follow him for that far. Following him up is not necessary, as all we need to do is report what happened then we have done our part. But I felt I could manage, so I didn't choose to give up. :D But then now I think it's actually quite bad if he walked to somewhere I don't even know, and I'm there with no money, phone, identity etc. (I probably wouldn't have gone after him then). Then again everyone saw me would ask how I am / how I feel (they might not be able to believe their baby can take all these xD). They even planned to cancel another patient community leave as I was put down to take someone else to Hyde park and Camden town today - they think I'd done and walked enough. But at the end I still chose to go. And so now I'm knackered.

Overall, good experience, learnt something. I still like my job :D.

(When I typed that last sentence, all in a sudden remember that another patient called me fucking bitch when we couldn't facilitate smoke break. ehmm.. another long story, but then other patients actually tried to comfort me, so I was okay)