Genuine Suicidal Attempt or Attention Seeking?

She was told by the doctor to come to the clinic to collect her medication and for an injection, after seeing the doctor in the hospital.

When she got here she looked like she was on the phone, but nobody heard her talking at all. Staff told her to come in to the treatment room. She gave no response, made no eye contact – as if she was so concentrate on a spot in the air. Then she walked towards the door, went out, and stood by the stairs. She looked down to the lower floors. A colleague said, “she isn’t going to jump down is she?” I was going to say “Is she looking for someone downstairs?” but before I even completed the sentence, her feet were already in the air, hanging her body on the rail. we all ran out. She didn’t do it fast as her left hand was still holding the stairs handle/rail. So one of the colleagues managed to grab her legs, another her arm.

She was brought in. She continued to say that she wanted to leave, and of course she wasn’t allowed. It took some time till she was injected and given stat dose. The doctor came from the hospital to see her.

It appeared to be something related to drugs, she seemed to be taking illicit drugs, and according to her, she will be charged for distributing drugs (or bringing drugs in from another country). She said she was innocent.

She calmed down later as the stat dose kicked in. Family member was contacted to bring her home. I’m not sure how she is right now, I hope people will all stay away from illicit drugs. 

If it was one of our busy days we wouldn’t have noticed and managed to stop this. Though we doubt if she really wanted to commit suicide, or she really just needed some attention and help maybe. Because of how the stair is designed, it wouldn’t be possible for anyone to jump down straight from 4^th to ground floor (other than a small baby).  She could only fall to the third floor, though her head would have landed on the stair case below. I’m sure she was aware. So attention seeking through a suicidal behaviour?

Sometimes when it comes to mental illness (and I guess many chronic physical illnesses), family members get fed up and lose their patience after a period of time, due to the time, money and attention needed to care about the patient, but also the stigma that come with it. But without any support from close family and friends, it’s almost impossible for someone to completely recover from mental illness…

Confidentiality Awareness

"What? You are just going to fax the letter over like that?" I asked, as my colleague was going to fax a letter regarding one of our patients to the patient's company. The company requested it, and the patient was aware - he came to sign a consent form (ah wow such thing exists?!) but he isn't allowed to even look at the letter. So yea, he gave consent for us to disclose his illness to his workplace, without quite knowing what his doctor wrote about him.

"Yes! The patient isn't allowed to read it so we can't give the letter to let him bring to the company! I'm just going to call to make sure that they get the letter" (they? who?!)

I guess most of us know where a fax machine is placed in an office in most companies. Usually anyone who walks past it can check and look at the incoming fax. Chances are the fax may then be passed from one to another (in a larger company, maybe office boy, secretary, some other "caring" colleagues). I feel so bad that this was done. I don't blame my colleague or anyone in the clinic, but the whole awareness about confidentiality issue in Malaysia is just low, very low. When I was trained in the UK, confidential used to be such a big issue. In the uni we had one whole 5 credits module about ethics and confidentiality; At work, we had one whole hour training about protecting patients and staff confidentiality.

Having watch this, I will be so careful to sign any "consent" form in the future. I mean we all as patients or service users or some kind of participants should understand where those private information about ourselves is going and what they are used for. Remember you always have your rights, don't be afraid to fight for them. It may take quite some time till we actually get there like in many developed countries, but it will not happen if nobody is fighting for it.

I hope people in the practice gain more awareness and give more respect too. Imagine this was you, would you be happy that your some sort of medical/financial report or ability test etc is passed around in your workplace or among some unknown people? 

Morbid Jealousy

There was this young beautiful girl, who from the age of 16, got into her first relationship with a working guy. She then became so obsessed, and had the delusions that the boyfriend was flirting with other girls, having an affair with others etc. She skipped classes, and went to her boyfriend's working place to "watch over" him, see what he was doing, who he talked with...

Over the years the girl got into various relationships, because of how beautiful she is, guys get attracted, and when she becomes attached, she also gets really obsessed and possessive, especially when the guy having any contact with other girls, despite how faithful the guys were. The girl slowly realized this a problem, and consulted a psychiatrist. Over the years she also gained insight with her problem -- a condition now called "morbid jealousy".

Morbid jealousy is a psychiatric condition where the person holds strong belief that his/her partner is being unfaithful without any convincing or "solid" evidence that this belief is true. It tends to happen over and over again no matter how many partner this person changes and how "innocent" the partner is.

It is getting to quite a common condition nowadays. As we would probably all expect that conditions like anxiety disorders and depression would be a lot more common, now probably every 1 in 10 people with a psychiatric condition comes to the clinic due to this problem, although most of them may not understand this as their problem (but only think that they can't sleep, get anxious easily, feel unhappy, got no appetite, is bad-tempered, gets agitated easily... which can simply appear as anxiety depression).

Here it's important to clarify that morbid jealousy doesn't apply when actually you find some convincing evidence, or when you are just feeling a bit insecure whether your partner gets a bit too close to someone (yes, just a bit insecure, which does not affect your life that much, and problem may simply be solved after you speak calmly with your partner), or when it's just part of a more sensitive type of personality.

For the patient's partner to come to understand that their partner has this problem would be helpful to the patient, and being understanding, considerate, supportive and patient to the patient will be significant to the process of recovery. 

Kita Kawan Mah!

I used to live in the UK for 6.5 years. And most people who first met me would always have thought that I came from China, when I shake my head, "Korea? Japan? Philippines? ..." was what I usually was asked. I would say I come from Malaysia, though I'm the third generation there, my grandfather is from China. Chinese is my ethnicity, but Malaysia is my nationality.

I may explain further, say if I'm watching Olympics games and the Chinese is playing the Malaysians, I'd definitely support the Malaysians. When there's no Malaysian playing, I MAY support the Chinese. So in other words I see my nationality more importantly than my ethnicity, not forgetting the roots and values of my ancestors.

I went to Chinese kindergarden (2 years), Chinese primary school (Sekolah Jenis Kebangsaan, 6 years), Chinese secondary and high school (private, 6 years) in Malaysia. Then I left Malaysia for another 4 years undergraduate and postgraduate studies in the UK. I do grow up not having many non-Chinese friends, not understanding much about the non-Chinese cultures, having lots of stereotypes about the Malays and Indians (as a psychologist I'd say "stereotype" is a way of categorising, until it goes too far and leads to...). I can think of a few Malay friends I met from ELS Subang, and two Indian friends I have during my time in the Uni in UK (they are from Malaysia). Among all these girls and boys, 100% of them are kind and nice, the kind that I'd say can either be my moderate good friend or even good friends.

Until that day our PM calls it the "Chinese Tsunami", until the day Utusan Newspapers asks "Apa lagi Cina mau? (What else does Chinese want?)". I know Chinese Tsunami isn't true statistically and factually myself, but I don't know what I can do about that feelings of upset. You can't really defend especially when you think people have all thought that you are guilty. Till I start reading some status updates on facebook shared by friends. They are written by Malays, by Malaysians to be exact, defending this isn't chinese tsunami, explaining how LGE ended up in prison defending someone of not his race, saying DAP didn't win any seats from UMNO other than the one by LKS (so there isn't such saying that Chinese is taking over the country bla bla blah), praising how far Chinese has learnt that we can no longer rely and believe in BN, saying we are all just one family i.e. a Malaysian family, saying they would boycott some mainstream papers for trying to differential us as different races, showing pictures of people helping others of different races in BERSIH and 508BLACK etc etc etc.

I was wondering "were these Malays of majority?", maybe there were only like 5% of the urban Malays who think so?! I don't have Malay friends whom I can ask... As time passes, our so-called PM and some mainstream medias continue to give unjust racial comments which were upsetting, I started to see more and more non-Chinese raising their voices, including those from BN and some NGOs. I also spent some time reading the comments of those statuses defending for my race written by somebody non-my-race. The majority of the writers' friends agreed with them, though perhaps 5-10% didn't, and even scolded these writers for not defending their own religion, benefits, races and children etc.

So I learnt that they were probably majority, at least the majority of the urban Malays. OK, now stop saying Malays, Chinese, Indians, Ibans and whatsoever... Because of "him", we are more united as Malaysians. I probably wouldn't have realized this for a long long time without him... I remember way before the election day, I have myself said to an Indian tenant of my father's shop that "there are good and bad people in all races". Now I've confirmed myself after the election, that there are good chinese, good malays, good Indians, bad Malays, bad Indians, bad Chinese.. all the good ones should be united to defend the bad ones...

Though, I'm not saying that I've "removed" all my stereotypes about others, but I am going to try to accept that we all live, study, work, and do things differently (so some people work harder, some people lazier, some are more arrogant etc), as long as it's legal, I'm also going to try stopping these prejudice of other races, because for once I now know they would extend hands of help despite our ethnicity, and for once I'm hoping our next generation will grow up with far less prejudice and stereotype. 

The day after the 13th General Election

I was weeping a little going to bed last night (or should I say 2 o'clock this morning), feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering whether the day would ever come to us Malaysians at all... wondering why wouldn't those people Ubah with us... wondering whether it's possible to fight all these ____ tactics...

Perhaps we were all too naive, thinking the process of democracy took only 10 years (or less). Especially when the results first opening, it all looked so positive, we were all so excited. Ubah yes?! Ini kali lah?!!! The Lim father and son (Kit Siang and Guan Eng) have been fighting for long, and I believe they never give up, and will never give up. So are many other opposition leaders (though in Penang, Selangor and Kedah, they aren't opposition). This is only my first vote, why should I give up? I weeped, I wiped my tears, I slept the sadness off and today I'm feeling much hopeful again...

Statistically, 5.5 millions people voted for PR, how many voted for BN? 5.2 millions. Ah but BN won. What does this reflect? (Think...) In 308 parliamentary, BN 140 vs PR 82, in 505, BN 133 vs PR 89. That's a gain of 7 parliamentary seats for PR this time round. In 308 state seats, BN 344 vs PR 161, in 505, BN 275 vs PR 230. Hey ladies and gents, that's +71 new state seats!

I hope people see some improvements there, some hopes, some positive changes. Now we learn from "mistakes". If we know there'll be electricity failures, each counting agent should prepare torch light (according to my brother they did, but there wasn't any failure in their area...). If we know there will be more hantu (ghosts), we will get more Taoist masters and Bomoh to catch them.

There's always solutions. There's always hopes. There's always tomorrow. It may take a long time, but as long as we keep fighting, democracy will be with us.


#505 #lainkalilah #nevergiveup #PRU13 #GE13 #democracyneverdies

As a Proud Malaysian

今天的馬來西亞氣氛很奇怪 奇怪大概是自己的心理作祟吧
因為明天會是馬來西亞的投票日 也就是大選
早個幾年我大概不可能知道自己有一天會這麼政治"熱感"
甚至過去除了安華我歷任副首相有誰都不知道
可是現在我可以對許多選區的候選人名字面孔政黨瞭如指掌
還參加了三場政治講座 看過我其中敬佩的雪州議長鄧章欽 (決定忍著不再說他躺著都會贏) 曾經的副首相如今的反對黨領袖安華 還有公正黨署理主席 Azziz Ali (個人相當喜歡這人的風格管他甚麼種族) 等等不下十人...
每天用心看星洲 (你或許想問我這報紙怎麼還讀得下去 每翻兩頁就一大版BN/MCA/Najib 的新聞 這就是我厲害的地方 我都跳過與它們有關的新聞資訊廣告...) 還有追蹤facebook, tweeter 的消息
公平的說句 其實網絡上的極端人士很多 很不理智 很不humane (用華語我會說"不像人" 所以還是寫英語好) 也很野蠻... 事實的真相也不容易知道 就靠我們自己去判斷 而不是一味的吸收與憤怒批判... 不簡單 很不簡單...
但是許許多多的事實擺在我們的演前 卻不難讓我們發現 就算手中握有一票 也唯一在這個時候我們才像真正的"老闆" 可是面對黑暗的政治手段與 manipulations 我們能做的事情卻這麼的少...
感覺是多麼的無力
原本我並不想在這個時候寫有關大選的Blog 一方面我是個有話直說的人令一方面我不想被抓 -_- 可是今天我真的不想再看報紙了 看那毫無新聞自由的報紙 完全被管制的報紙電台電視...
很難接受這麼多的捏造恐嚇卻依然可以平和看待不生氣罵粗口...

寫了這麼多 只想說要是明天是一場公平的選舉 我支持的清廉公正公義的一方是會贏的 這是我堅信的 只可惜 它公平嗎? 透明嗎? 值得相信嗎? 沒動手腳嗎?
不管結局如何 至少我參與 也會去盡我身為公民的責任早些出門投上一票 並盡量確保自己投的不是廢票...
不是這樣嗎 參與了 出了一份力了 要是結果不如所願 也只能說這世界或許本來就沒有那麼不公平的事
因為馬來西亞已經是這麼一個沒天災又富有天然資源的國家 要是還出現了公正廉明的領導人 不就太幸運了...
(也順便補充說明其實我真的挺生氣符合資格卻又沒登記成為選民的人或者不去投票的人 可是其實我自己也是 只是我沒登記卻已經成為選民 比起那些登記了卻被除名的我還是要幸運得多吧?! 又是黑暗唉)

話說回來 我也不是真的那麼支持某政黨某聯盟的人
只是我學會兩線制的好 我想完全不貪的官員 做久也會貪 也會懶 也會攬權濫權...
完全不貪的一定很少 只是現在這群勇士 很大部份都是受了高深教育的專業人士醫生牙醫律師大學講師成功企業家 etc etc 那麼賺的行業還犧牲自己和家人出來參政 可以想像他們迫切想改變的心 所以自然比某些人抵抗誘惑的能力強多了吧...

願明天的馬來西亞是 光明 和平的

The content in the links below may not represent the blog owner's view.
People trying to reach it to CNN
Pledging governments of some other countries to stop their people from intervening the Malaysian's election (which should really be a election that is completed by only Malaysians!)

P.S. 沒想到英國回來後寫的第一篇竟然是政治有關 還用了久違的中文...
#五月五 #PRU13 #GE13 #inikalilah

Leaving people I love

I'm probably the person who has the most leaving dos done from work, and it's been going on for over two weeks now. Tonight is the last night, we were out for drinks, I wasn't even sure if I was drunk (just 2 pints, so I shouldn't be) but it did appear to be so for them. 

I hate leaving. I stood out there after they walked me home, I just stood there and cried. I was sad because I am leaving these people that I love, but I'm even more sad because I see tears in them. I kept saying this isn't the end of it, but by heart we all know, at one point of our life some people may appear to be so important and special to you, but 10 or 20 years later (if not less) when you look back, they are just part of the memory, part of the history. 

Though one thing that I always do, I keep people in my heart. I reserve places for different people, big and small places. And nothing changes this, not even time. 

I never knew it could be so difficult, or I may have done done a different decision. The saddest part is life will move on, the things that you cry about today, no longer matters some days later. Sad, isn't it? No? I don't want these people to just be in my memory. That ain't good enough. Tell me think about them and have a smile on your face? This ain't good enough. I want to see them, and smile. 

Nothing I can do to change. I will let go one day. What's worse, one of them is going to drop me off in the airport tomorrow... 

Leaving the job

Tomorrow will be my last day at work, as a preparation of this emotionally difficult shift I've been thinking about it quite a lot these nights. After my second last shift on Tuesday I finally realized it's approaching. This is happening. 

I think I have always been someone who don't take leaving and separation well. But if everything else isn't a problem, would I choose to stay on? To work as an NA for more years? Just because I'm happy there, I have great caring friends there? No I won't. In fact I wouldn't have been as happy as I am if I'm still here for longer. My leaving makes many of us get much closer, also makes many of them closer. So this separation much take place, now or later. 

So I've convinced myself to accept it. Even I stay for longer, I'd probably grow more grumpy like a lot of people who have been there for years or even decades. So this is the best time to leave. It forms the best memory of my life. 

It's still difficult though, having the thought that I may not see many of these great people again in my life. I said my last good bye to my manager, and others whom I may not see, who have transferred to another ward... Not just the members of staff, even the patients, for some I have known there for over 2 years, other for over 2 weeks, I like them, I want to see them get better and leave the hospital... 

I feel bad having some friends feeling sad about my leaving, especially after all these great supports, chats, and quality times spent together. I feel bad to have made them sad. But I can only do so selfishly, at the same time hope they'd be happy for me (just like I did for another member of staff, who moved to another ward, and seen him happier there, even if I liked him to be on my ward). 

Let's hope I wouldn't be in tears tomorrow. We're still going to one of the colleagues' house for dinner, I hope I'm not drinking though, I can see if I drink I'm going to even more sad =.=.

Good Bye 2012, Hello 2013!

In the year of 2012...

1. I completed the Master of Science Foundations in Clinical Psychology and Mental Health.
It wasn't an easy task, mainly because I continue to work part time in North London Forensic Service while studying in Brighton. But I did it, with a merit. I'm pleased. This shall be the greatest achievement of the year.

2. I had lived in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK.
I have moved from place to place, Brighton is my favourite! It's such a young and happening city, yet it's not one of those busy, stressful and humanity-losing place, because it's at the same time very close to the sea, with very beautiful sunset almost taking place every night.

3. I went to Norway (Oslo, Flam, Bergen, Flam) and Switzerland (Geneva, Interlaken, Luzern, Zurich) for holidays
This is definitely one major dream fulfilled. Norway is such a peaceful and beautiful country! I hope it doesn't change and I'd get to revisit it one day.

4. I have seen the Northern Lights!
I never think I'm this lucky, but we were! It was amazing, somehow incredible why the green light moving in the sky. Nature once again proved to me that it can be so incredible and beautiful, let's do as much as we could to protect it.

5. I visited Amsterdam, Holland.
It's a beautiful yet not peaceful city, I missed the chips!! I have seen tulips (though we were a bit early in terms of season) and windmill. I have been to Holland, don't sell me to there - their red district is eye-opening. Haha.

6. I made the decision of leaving the UK and my first full time job in my life.
Put it this way, I learnt that what's more important in my life. (More about this later!) I just bought the ticket today though, on the last day of the year!

7. I made some really excellent friends from work.
I'm going to miss these people so much when I leave.

8. I went to London 2012 Olympics, Badminton quarter final games!
This was an experience. Can I be greedy and hope that I can go to the next one in Rio? :X

9. I have seen my first concert in my life - Mayday in London.
One night of "singing along", now I am really a fans of Mayday. Hopefully I will get to go to more quality concerts in the future.

10. I started the Diploma in Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy
Oh my god I still got to complete the assignments! and for the Advanced diploma in Stress-Management and Resilience Building,

11. This is random but I can now put on contact lens easily. Thanks to Specsaver (sounds like an advertisement?!)

12. I'm now an auntie of three!!!
I can't quite believe this, I have never met any of them yet although Adelyn is almost 1.5 years old already!

13. I went to see my favourite musical - Lion King!
It was simply "goosebumps-growing" amazing!

14. I started the journey of capturing beautiful things, almost not missing any opportunity with my Samsung Galaxy S2.
I'm very happy with people who really appreciate me sharing my life and beautiful views with them.

15. I have put on too much weight this year!
Now that all seems so great, there must be things that isn't going so well... =.=


I'm grateful, very grateful, for what I have achieved and been given opportunities to achieve. Have a healthy and blessed 2013!

Dog Sledding in Norway

I really love dogs, so when I was told about this "Dog Sledding" activity I was really looking forward to it. But believe it or not, I think this is the cruelest thing I have done in my life!

I was the driver of the sledge. Before we started, all the dogs were like crying, my eyes watered. I didn't think I could make it. I was later told that huskies have to run, if they don't run they suffer. (So they woo because they want to race/run). See video below.

But I really wonder whether this was in their nature or it was human-work? Did people actually train them to become like that? They actually run (when they sledge) and poo at the same time!! It was kind of funny to see it when that happened, but to think deeply, what kind of life they lead to poo and work hard at the same time??!!

As there were a number of sledges running one after another, so I had to step on the brake from time to time so that the dogs didn't go over the front ones (my dogs ran relatively fast), and I felt heartache. Because they were running hard and fast, but I was pressing the brake!! (but actually I don't quite have a choice, coz we were told if they run side by side they would all tangle together). When I did that to them, they would even turn back and look at me...

I'm not sure if those were the holes they live in. It looks so cold and they look so unloved.

This was really an experience. But I would discourage anyone from join any activities like this. I simply hope when there is no demand, the huskies live the kind of life they deserve, run/race only when they want to. I still feel so sorry to have done that.

 Just before the dog sledging begins, what made my eyes watered.

During the dog sledging. This is what you're going to experience, but it really isn't much. 

Psychology In Malaysia

If you've ever wondered why I'd entered the Psychology field, here is a short reflection that I've written couple weeks ago, about my passion for Psychology and about my job in North London Forensic Service, NHS. 

Putting your heart into it 

The blog "Psychology in Malaysia" is run by a very inspiring friend. It's also the kind of subject I'm now becoming interested, especially after all these years in the UK. 

I'm Lunatic!

I learnt this word - lunatic - from one of my patients. The first time I heard it, he was saying to me "you're lunatic!" I didn't know the meaning, but I thought it was related to "lunar", so I was thinking the word may be saying someone whose emotion fluctuates a lot (just like how the moon changes every day). Of course he was just having fun by saying that.

But that day I heard it a second time, and checked it online later, the online free dictionary says:

1. Suffering from lunacy; insane.
2. Of or for the insane.
3. Wildly or giddily foolish: a lunatic decision.
4. Characterized by lunacy or eccentricity."

At the same time coming out from the search is a BBC News - "How offensive is the word 'Lunatic'?" and it mentions that the word originally "referred to a kind of insanity that recurred according to the cycles of the moon". Hahaha so I was right to think about the moon, but still get the meaning wrong. It reminds me of Dragon Ball (hahaha) and other werewolf movies.

Anyway, it was inappropriate to use the word to "normal" people. But when my patient said that to me [jokingly], I [jokingly] said back "You're lunatic too!" He just laughed and continued to repeat that I was lunatic...

My whole intention of this post wasn't actually about introducing the word "lunatic". In fact it's an introduction...

I realized there have been quite a number of this so-called "mad" people in my life, mainly due to my work. I have also been talking quite a lot about stigmatization people hold towards those suffering from mental health problems. Whenever I thought about helping and standing up for these people, my patients come across my mind.

I thought I no longer hold these stigma and prejudices like everyone else. And I was wrong. The other day I went to Wood Green, and there was this man, I probably have seen him a few times, who was talking loudly in front of Morrisons, what he talked makes no sense. I avoided standing too close to him like everyone else, but undeniably I think he was mad, he was dangerous. (although I work in a forensic ward, but no, people with mental health problems are no more likely than "normal" people to commit crime, to hurt others!)

No matter how many "mad" people I have met, and how much fact about "mad" people I come to know, when I walk on the street I behave like everyone else. I'm not saying that I'm wrong behaving this way. But I realized I can only be confident to work with people with mental health problems, in a safe environment or, with patients I already know for a period of time, in any environment. I don't have the ability to approach a ["mad"] stranger on the street and attempt to help him/her.

What can we do about this? Create a safe environment any and every where, change everyone's attitudes towards the mental illness and the people who suffer from them.

How do we achieve that? I dont know... 

Just got to Moan!

I returned to work after a few days off yesterday, after some discussion with a colleague I decided to take up the response, and this little decision made yesterday the record of my life. I went to the female ward twice, and physically restrained and put two persons in the seclusion rooms.

For the first one, she was kind of abusive and fighting back when I got there. I had to restrain her on her feet (which I think I did it correctly), but my right arm was hurting awfully. After some struggles of 20 minutes as she wouldn't cooperate, we got her there. I got 4 bruises in both of my hands, and when I got home I found one big bruise on my thigh.Another staff even fell over. I thought the incident was bad, and so decided to take a break after that. After I returned, the alarm went off again, so again I went to the same ward. I saw a patient standing by the garden door completely naked, stood by her was a male staff and another female staff who was just about coming to help. I took over the male staff, and we tried to cover her with a bed sheet, and brought her to the therapy room. We helped her to put on some clothes there. She was still crying, shouting that she was very scared, and describing what happened to her in the past. The charge nurse then decided to put her in the seclusion on our ward (this ward is next to us). Although I see completely no point of doing so (why would you put someone who was scare and crying, and not harming/hurting anyone in the seclusion room?!), I did what we were told. She was crying and saying she was scared throughout.

So that was what happened to me as a response nurse, within 3-4 hours. I went home feeling sorry for them, tired, and telling myself I wouldn't want to be on this job for anytime longer than this. It wasn't that I don't like my job, it was just that I don't think we're helping them, and this is bad. This is of a caring job, we're supposed to be helping them.

This morning I came back for a long day (a 14.5hours shift with an hour break which you don't get it sometimes). I was supposed to take someone back to his parents' home (in theory this is meant to be part of therapeutic recovery). Because of what happened in the past, I came prepared. As we left, he was getting abusive to me... I couldn't convince him to come back with me, so I had to call the ward and they got the unit coordinator and the response team in a van to come to the train station to pick him back (we walked there). So all I had to do was to convince him to stay there, and wait for another escort as such (given that he thinks he was annoyed by me). It then went okay as things go and he came back. He was becoming remorseful and kind of apologized (but that is him, the fluctuation of his mood and behaviours). I got to say I felt fully supported by this qualified nurse who picked up the call and supported me throughout. She clearly knew what happened in the past and was imagining if that was going to happen to me, I was almost in tears. But later as things go I feel much better. (Other than those occasionally awful incidents, there are many other who can often cheer me up)

I'm actually on my break now. I don't know what I'm feeling and thinking, about this job, about working here, about the patients here. I'm not angry at or upset by any patient as far as I'm concerned, but I slowly realized what annoys me was the staff (the pm shift staff), and it had nothing to do with the patients who are not well (that's why they are here; although for many instances I'd say it was actually the system here that drives them unsettled).

It's a lot easier to in fact deal with the so-called mad people, then those who are "normal", but lazy, sarcastic, ignorant  and uncaring (especially when they are in a caring job!). 

Values of Life

Yet another October, my blog is now 4 years old.

There's been a lot of thought recently but I don't know what and how to write, perhaps too unorganized. Life has been pretty enjoyable. I remember telling a few friends and also my mum that I'm not aiming to be rich in my life, I am aware how important money is, but I'm not going to work for money. And guess what, within few weeks I kind of regret saying that HAHAHA. It's like the kind of lesson that God or someone wants me to learn. I start finding I need and do not have money in order to do a lot of things, especially we're planning a trip to Norway and Switzerland, and everything is about money, money and money. Really? Life do you have to do this to me?!

I just thought I want to lead a contented life through helping people in needs, and here I'm referring to people who need help psychologically or mentally. I suppose when people see no point of me leaving the country and go home (to, erhmm, survive with a rm2k salary, traffic jams, crimes, corrupted government, etc etc) as opposed to the kind of freedom, all physically, psychologically and financially that I have here. But really I see no point of being a health care assistant in a forensic service for any time longer that I've done so far, it really isn't fulfilling... I think I have far more potential to help people than what I do now. And I think I've been a lucky person all my life so maybe I can share some fortune with the unfortunates too?

Ah anyway, we'll soon see where the life leads me. Yesterday I read the final words of this 40 years old Singaporean billionaire who suffered from lung cancer and passed away about 10 days ago. I think I'm right. I somehow feel grateful that I haven't been adopting the definition of success and values of the society nowadays. There must be times that we're lost, but do some reflection every day, just 5 minutes or even less, sit down and close your eyes, and think about how you've been doing today, and whether that's really the kind of life you want to lead, if you only had a month life left, and whether this is the kind of life you want to lead, if you look back 20 years later and see no regrets.

"Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live."

Behavioural Experiment for Social Anxiety - Walking a Banana

I have long heard about behavioural experiment in the CBT. We used to have a guest lecturer in the uni who shared quite a lot different types of behavioural experiments she has done throughout her life as a therapist. One of them that I remember quite well was working with a woman with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), who was very obsessed with hand washing. And in short what they did, was putting their hands into the toilet bowl, reaching the water in it! then what? Without washing hands, they used their hands to eat!!!! It was like OMG, REALLY?! But yes that's what was done, the therapist was going it with the client, and really, nothing happened afterwards, and the client realized her obsession with hand washing really wasn't rational (of course this is kind of simplified, you should assume that they have done a lot of work in identifying irrational/negative thoughts, doing relaxation techniques and also discussing the rationale of designing such experiment etc).

Guess what I did today? Hehehe, oh the title tells - I walked a banana in Croydon, London. YES I BLOODY DID IT. Me and Krishna did it together, initially we didn't quite get into the state, and we were laughing and stuff. But after that we realized we really need to be so serious, so people know, yea we're serious about it. Believe it or not, so many people looked at us! (Well refer to the video below although it wasn't quite obvious in it). Some people asked Pei Man (she was following behind us and taking video). Some just stared, some tried to look covertly Haha. We went into the McDonalds, and obviously people were looking. I saw a guy taking pictures of us. I heard the staff saying "people coming with a banana on the string". At the end a guy approached us and asked whether he could take a picture, even asked for their names and age. LOL. The staff in McD also asked us. We left, another black woman on the street was like "what's this for?" Another two women walked past and we could overhear them saying "look at these stupid people". Hahahahaha. Stupid, I kind of enjoy this stupidity!! There were also quite ignorant people, who walked past like nothing happened. In front of the hotel, there were 4-5 teenagers, some just stared at us, while one who was obviously more extrovert approached us, and patted on Bobo (Krish's banana, and my banana is Nana), although another friend of his almost gave Bobo a big kick!

Okay up to this point you probably going to ask me, why were we doing this for? The idea came from Donald, our lecturer on the hypnotherapy course, who treats people with social anxiety. Oh yea this was one of this behavioural experiments with his clients. The idea is to do something and make people really look at you. In fact some people are often so self-conscious, being worried about what other people think about them, whether they look stupid, look anxious or too awkward etc etc. With experiment of this sort you probably find out the reaction could be quite different from what you think. But even if it was what you think (that "you look stupid", "you look so anxious", "you look like an idiot"). Those are just their thoughts! So what?? It's nothing catastrophic. Let them think what they want.

It's like people who are overly anxious doing public speaking, worrying they might make mistake. Well okay there are a lot of thing you could do to present your best, but what if you make mistakes? What if... you make a mistake deliberately?? Laugh it off? Chances are you are going to survive it anyway, why worry? This is my way of seeing it, though Don said people can test by making a mistake deliberately and see what happens, see what's so catastrophic about it. Of course this doesn't mean that I'm no longer anxious, and no longer worried in public speaking, but when you really analyze your reason of being nervous, rather than focusing on hiding your nerve/anxiety, the results are most likely going to turn up better.

I also forget to mention, at this very same day when Don realized we're going to do his banana walking experiment, he was also interested in joining. So I gave him a string and he got himself an apple to walk, but that apple fell off. And what did he do?! - he went to a toy shop, got himself a pink piggy soft toy, which could fart if you sat on it - and he MADE the shop assistant showed him how the pig fart in front of a long queue / big crowd of shoppers. Then he put the string on the big pink pig and walked it back....... You probably going to say he's such a weirdo. Hahaha well he is... not. I suppose it can get addictive, so additive. But to go to shop and ask for certain things to be done, is part of assertiveness training (and other things). And doing all those things can get quite addictive! Well, in fact at the same time you're also helping your clients and being a problem-solver.

I just have got to say, I have really enjoyed it. And Krish did too - know what? She's a mum of two, and she was as passionate as me if not more, in stuff like this. Hahahaha.




P.S. I just think it's important to give credit to Donald Robertson, given how much of his ideas I quoted here (you can google about him if you're interested).

The Power of Social Networks

Warning: What I'm going to write is probably quite random to an extend that the title may turn out irrelevant.

Last week I was attending the Stage 2 of the Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy diploma course. Then we sort of discussed the opportunity of practicing as a hypnotherapist in the future, and Donald shared his experience, tips and advice of setting up one, including a website as a start-off point. He then also mentioned twitter. And with this I have something to say, I realized there have been a lot of random people following me on my personal account, just, for example, for me saying the word "dissertation", there was a proof reading company following me, then I mentioned "hypnosis", and there I attracted another 3-4 people following me. Other than that there is also a pet food company (I think it's because I said I'm going to "walk a banana like how people walk their pet dog")... Really?!?! So you think I'd need to buy food from you for my pet banana? And there were some photographer, random whatever commercial stuff. 

So I sort of tested this, for the following days I tweeted a bit more about hypnosis, and really, there are then people who offer hypnotherapy in the area coming to follow me. (Sorry if you are one of my followers and were wondering why I've been talking so much about hypnosis - especially if it didn't interest you). 

This is kind of powerful, just to make yourself having more followers, although I'm not sure about when it really comes to offering your service (or selling your products), eh but, there is no harm of doing it, really. Don also mentioned some people use blog, write about controversial issues in the field. I suddenly remember one of my posts that received quite a lot attention - at that point I thought about this one - "Swollen Fingers due to Excessive Writing" (wow huibee you're random). And honestly, this completely random post (even the pictures went missing due to my setting after I joined Google+) is still receiving attentions! Now I remember the top post of my blog, which is "A Letter by a Malaysian living in the USA", ironically though (well done if you realized before I said it) - I live in the UK, not the USA, so that wasn't written by me (acknowledged in the comments... a few times)... But I'm not sure why it appeared to be the first source people come across if they google it. Now this is a very good example of controversy. (Just if you're interested, this post in 2009 received on average 2+ view each day now). 

So I guess one important thing now is to do more reading, to assure the quality of my post/tweet (unlike most of my personal posts hahahaha). Though, to call myself a blogger I think I need to start writing a bit more regularly, and I do hope to share more about my reading and experience on hypnosis and my work in NLFS, while protecting my patients' confidentiality!

End of Another Chapter

Huh what?!?! I handed in my research dissertation today! That unofficially marked the end of my postgraduate study. Oh my god, I still can't quite believe it, this feeling is incredible (the 4th or 5th time I'm saying this today XD).

It hasn't been an easy year I've got to say, but now what? It's all over. I'm once again... "no longer a student". I didn't quite feel it this strong the last time I completed my undergraduate, though that was an exam that marked the end.

Guess it's just important to thank everyone especially my family and some close friends who make this whole year easier for me, and to make this possible. I truly appreciated that! I also made a few cards using the pictures I took in Brighton as a farewell gift to some international friends and as a thank you card to some who have really helped me. :) Now I can only hope that it all goes well and I can wear my gown again on January next year :D.

I'm going to relax!! and enjoy Brighton, for the first time, without any "immediate" stress, I'm going to enjoy Brighton. Oh by the way, I've got so tanned when a friend visited me last week and we kind of crazily walked by the seaside all the way to Marina then to Hove. If mama sees this she's going to think this is how I looked when I was in Hin Hua. =X (to be honest even I couldn't quite recognize myself from the mirror =__=)

Anyway, if you were to ask me about my future plan. Well, I have two more stages of Hypnotherapy diploma to complete in September. Then hopefully do some travellings in european countries (and visit Miriam in Hamburg!!). Depending on what HR says, I might come back full time on my job in the hospital - my manager would be happy with it. Then I should be going home. I'm going to work with people who need me!!! :)) If like most of my colleagues you're going to ask about doing a PhD, yes!! But not now... I'd love to become a student again, but seriously, I'm not a study freak, that should take place at some points of my life when I know what I'd love to spend three years with.

P.S. Oh my god, the label "my PG study" will probably never be used again?!

Certificate in Hypnotherapy

I completed a Certificate in Hypnotherapy last week. There are still stage 2 and stage 3 to get myself a Diploma in Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy.

I'm not going to say how Hypnotherapy was defined academically and practically, just would like to say it is really nothing like how the TV or medias depict it. Yet it is something really powerful, to help people think positively, to treat phobias and minor clinical depression, to manage pain, to relax and release stress etc etc. One thing worth noting is the pain control and management. There have been people who gave birth or had their teeth removed without any anaesthesia yet feeling completely good and positive throughout the process and after it. We tried it with some minor pain in class and shockingly it worked (we had a clip on our hand, that didn't cause that major pain although it wasn't really anything comfortable). At one point I could feel no pain at all. But what's important is the way you see the pain. I'm still going to do an experiment myself at one point with similar sort of stimuli without self-hypnosis and see if that pain-free feeling was due to habituation.

From the class I also learnt meditation. With his lead I really enjoy meditation, and at times I did it on the train while we were on our way to the class. But after that I started to fail, because of my ability to really focus and concentrate. It's now getting better. I probably need more time. To be really focus and concentrate is always my problem anyway. I also did a self-hypnosis yesterday due to my sore arm. Of course I didn't come out from the hypnosis pain-free, but I was able to see the pain differently and soon forget about it.

I will share more when I have time. Ask me anything about it if you want (and surely it doesn't mean I will always have the answer). If not then try to find some more established site to learn about it. It's something very useful and interesting. At one point I hope I can learn about then practice it more and really let people benefit from it. 

Will you stay or go?

This thing has been in my mind all these recent years, maybe I haven’t actually got a choice, but I’m just wondering, what’d everyone else out there do?

I have been in this country for almost 6 years now, I understand if I go home I’m going to suffer from what cultural psychologists call “reenter” problems. I’m very used to the life, cultures, shops, traffic, transport, food, weather (maybe not!), living styles, freedom, even the air and the water here…

There was one point in my life, where I come to realize I’m not making a very big difference to other people’s lives while I work here. And that’s because there are plenty of geniuses and professionals here in this country, whether or not Hui Bee serves here, it doesn’t really make a big difference. There are also plenty of people out there who would break their heads intending to serve this country (or, well, to get some benefits whatever ways). So I told myself I should go home and I will be going home. This is what I have been telling myself and sometimes, others.

But deep down in my heart, I’m really not so sure. I don’t know if I’m really that strong and tough to take up all the challenges, after learning how Malaysia is like all this time.  The crimes, the weather, the “cultures”, the language (i.e. Malay), the transport, politics etc etc… Can I cope? Do I need to cope? Do I want to cope? How far can I go? What else are the barriers? Or should I say, take up papa's view, which the older generations would mostly and probably think that there is no "future" back there, so if you can stay, you should.

Of course other than my own professional career (which sometimes I don’t really care about), my family, friends are all home. I’ve left home at the age of 19 and since then only gone home for holidays. I spent my 6 year high school all focus on school, friends, studies but not my parents and family. Then I left. I wonder if I’d regret one day if I continue this. Few months ago I have a friend who lived in Taiwan since he graduated (4 years earlier than me, so he was there for about 10 years), returned home as his father was becoming ill. Now he’s settling better in Malaysia although I guess he quite often missed his life and time in Taiwan. Although before this, I’ve always been aware of this “spending time with parents as they’re getting old” thing. (Believe it or not, one thing that I’ve been changed most, was in fact that I became more of a family person, after leaving home.)

On the other hand, my family back home has grown. By the time I returned next year there are going to be 3 nieces/nephew (and of course two sister-in-laws). In other words, my status is no longer “the youngest” at home (which I didn’t really mind – since I’d had the status for about 24 years!). It made me wonder that at this point of life when I think I want to spend more time with my family, do they still have time for me? I don’t mean that they are going to ignore me or leave me on my own, but is this a point where I’m supposed to be more self-centered rather than family focus? I guess it wasn’t even my choice, was it? Some thing that I’m sure is that the dynamics would have changed, and it could be either positive or negative change, or both.

I want to serve my country, I want to be somewhere closer to my family so that they can visit me or I can visit them more often. I do not like England as far as I’m aware (I am not sure if I like it in some ways subconsciously!).

P.S. This is written few days ago when the internet was down. 

Things that we do subconsciously

I have been wondering all day today whether I applied shampoo while showering this morning. I woke up in the morning and took a shower before going to the library, I haven't got much memory about the shower - I'd assume that's very normal since that's something we do every day. But while I was drying my hair I felt my hair was a bit different, although I couldn't tell the difference in what way. Later I was in the library and the hair was fully dried, I realized my hair was kind of oily. Eh? I just washed it, I thought. Then I tried to recall, and couldn't remember if I apply shampoo while I showered, or I just wet my hair then started washing my face and body...

Occasionally I intended to take facial wash but I put body shampoo in my hands. Other time I wash my face already but I still take more facial wash. Most of the time I complete my showers without much thinking about the shower itself (but probably a lot thinking on something else).

I'm not trying to say that this is abnormal, or being over-worried. But I'm wondering things like this (my brother gave an example of locking a car), we do them naturally, automatically, subconsciously, without much thought on them, then --- how do we know if we really have done it? So yes I know people check (go back to see if they lock their cars, check if they lock the front door, call mum to ask if they remember to shut the auto gate etc). But how about my case? How do I know if I did wash with shampoo?!! It's going to remain unknown for the rest of my life. HAHAHA (Oh but I do collect evidence and am quite convinced that I didn't use the shampoo 1. I felt my hair was strange when I was drying them 2. its felt oily when it was dried 3. I seem to finish shower quicker than I normally do 4. I normally need a bit of conscious brain use to decide how much shower gel to apply but I don't remember making that "decision" today)

Eh but, if it was done subconsciously (rather than unconsciously), there should be means to recover this subconsciousness?!

Sometimes I'm impressed by myself, having the ability to write such a blog post just base on little thing like that. Ha.