Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Leaving people I love

I'm probably the person who has the most leaving dos done from work, and it's been going on for over two weeks now. Tonight is the last night, we were out for drinks, I wasn't even sure if I was drunk (just 2 pints, so I shouldn't be) but it did appear to be so for them. 

I hate leaving. I stood out there after they walked me home, I just stood there and cried. I was sad because I am leaving these people that I love, but I'm even more sad because I see tears in them. I kept saying this isn't the end of it, but by heart we all know, at one point of our life some people may appear to be so important and special to you, but 10 or 20 years later (if not less) when you look back, they are just part of the memory, part of the history. 

Though one thing that I always do, I keep people in my heart. I reserve places for different people, big and small places. And nothing changes this, not even time. 

I never knew it could be so difficult, or I may have done done a different decision. The saddest part is life will move on, the things that you cry about today, no longer matters some days later. Sad, isn't it? No? I don't want these people to just be in my memory. That ain't good enough. Tell me think about them and have a smile on your face? This ain't good enough. I want to see them, and smile. 

Nothing I can do to change. I will let go one day. What's worse, one of them is going to drop me off in the airport tomorrow... 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Leaving the job

Tomorrow will be my last day at work, as a preparation of this emotionally difficult shift I've been thinking about it quite a lot these nights. After my second last shift on Tuesday I finally realized it's approaching. This is happening. 

I think I have always been someone who don't take leaving and separation well. But if everything else isn't a problem, would I choose to stay on? To work as an NA for more years? Just because I'm happy there, I have great caring friends there? No I won't. In fact I wouldn't have been as happy as I am if I'm still here for longer. My leaving makes many of us get much closer, also makes many of them closer. So this separation much take place, now or later. 

So I've convinced myself to accept it. Even I stay for longer, I'd probably grow more grumpy like a lot of people who have been there for years or even decades. So this is the best time to leave. It forms the best memory of my life. 

It's still difficult though, having the thought that I may not see many of these great people again in my life. I said my last good bye to my manager, and others whom I may not see, who have transferred to another ward... Not just the members of staff, even the patients, for some I have known there for over 2 years, other for over 2 weeks, I like them, I want to see them get better and leave the hospital... 

I feel bad having some friends feeling sad about my leaving, especially after all these great supports, chats, and quality times spent together. I feel bad to have made them sad. But I can only do so selfishly, at the same time hope they'd be happy for me (just like I did for another member of staff, who moved to another ward, and seen him happier there, even if I liked him to be on my ward). 

Let's hope I wouldn't be in tears tomorrow. We're still going to one of the colleagues' house for dinner, I hope I'm not drinking though, I can see if I drink I'm going to even more sad =.=.