Will you stay or go?

This thing has been in my mind all these recent years, maybe I haven’t actually got a choice, but I’m just wondering, what’d everyone else out there do?

I have been in this country for almost 6 years now, I understand if I go home I’m going to suffer from what cultural psychologists call “reenter” problems. I’m very used to the life, cultures, shops, traffic, transport, food, weather (maybe not!), living styles, freedom, even the air and the water here…

There was one point in my life, where I come to realize I’m not making a very big difference to other people’s lives while I work here. And that’s because there are plenty of geniuses and professionals here in this country, whether or not Hui Bee serves here, it doesn’t really make a big difference. There are also plenty of people out there who would break their heads intending to serve this country (or, well, to get some benefits whatever ways). So I told myself I should go home and I will be going home. This is what I have been telling myself and sometimes, others.

But deep down in my heart, I’m really not so sure. I don’t know if I’m really that strong and tough to take up all the challenges, after learning how Malaysia is like all this time.  The crimes, the weather, the “cultures”, the language (i.e. Malay), the transport, politics etc etc… Can I cope? Do I need to cope? Do I want to cope? How far can I go? What else are the barriers? Or should I say, take up papa's view, which the older generations would mostly and probably think that there is no "future" back there, so if you can stay, you should.

Of course other than my own professional career (which sometimes I don’t really care about), my family, friends are all home. I’ve left home at the age of 19 and since then only gone home for holidays. I spent my 6 year high school all focus on school, friends, studies but not my parents and family. Then I left. I wonder if I’d regret one day if I continue this. Few months ago I have a friend who lived in Taiwan since he graduated (4 years earlier than me, so he was there for about 10 years), returned home as his father was becoming ill. Now he’s settling better in Malaysia although I guess he quite often missed his life and time in Taiwan. Although before this, I’ve always been aware of this “spending time with parents as they’re getting old” thing. (Believe it or not, one thing that I’ve been changed most, was in fact that I became more of a family person, after leaving home.)

On the other hand, my family back home has grown. By the time I returned next year there are going to be 3 nieces/nephew (and of course two sister-in-laws). In other words, my status is no longer “the youngest” at home (which I didn’t really mind – since I’d had the status for about 24 years!). It made me wonder that at this point of life when I think I want to spend more time with my family, do they still have time for me? I don’t mean that they are going to ignore me or leave me on my own, but is this a point where I’m supposed to be more self-centered rather than family focus? I guess it wasn’t even my choice, was it? Some thing that I’m sure is that the dynamics would have changed, and it could be either positive or negative change, or both.

I want to serve my country, I want to be somewhere closer to my family so that they can visit me or I can visit them more often. I do not like England as far as I’m aware (I am not sure if I like it in some ways subconsciously!).

P.S. This is written few days ago when the internet was down.