Wednesday, April 27, 2011

405ml

I went to blood donation again today after the first time on March last year. It seems that because this is a peak holiday season they need blood more desperately than they normally do and I keep receiving invitations, had been trying to book appointments but it always clashes with my working hours, till today.

This time I passed the iron level straight without too much 'effort'. Though when it came to giving blood, for some unknown reasons the blood just didn't flow, it kept running below the level, ended up having 4 different nurses kept coming around to look at me with 1 staying with me all the time. She explained to me the whole process normally takes 8-10 minutes and shouldn't exceed 15 minutes, and my blood flow could be as slow as the speed of 12ml/min (12x15 = 180ml, but we should be giving 475ml pack). Throughout the process I had been trying all the methods I know to relax myself and my arm, and also repeating opening and closing my palm (she said people don't normally need to do it for whole process =.=). At the end I managed to give 405ml before the time limit, which had some nurses cheering for me (because I was the last few ones, and because I was too slow then I became the last one, so generally they were all quite free at that time).

Luckily this time I suffered no bruise or dizziness :D. Unlike the first experience which was a bit traumatizing (read my post New Blood!). I just had a shower and it seemed that it bled a bit :S I probably tried too hard not to wet it. Anyway, another experience. :D

Friday, April 22, 2011

Who are you? Go away!

Had been working for 11 days in a row which covered at least 15 shifts. What a dramatic day today, but let me talk about yesterday first. Went down to cover another ward's closed obs for 1.5hour, and I never had any good experience in that ward till yesterday - first time! The patient came out from his room after I sat there for 10minutes or so. Then I was talking to another staff saying I had never seen their rabbits (their ward has pet rabbits!!). So with the staff's agree I took the patient out to the garden and visited their rabbits. Very-the-cute. I heard one is pregnant so I asked which, the patient said "white one, the white one is the chick". That made me laugh (just found that funny). After that I played table tennis with him - never touched that for years! I wasn't playing too bad, though I kept telling him slow a bit because I'm and never be good on it. Overall the 1.5hours obs were good. :D

TODAY! well, after a long and tiring long day yesterday, I was allowed to come to work at 7+,8am today. First thing came in, I took a patient out on ground. Uptill Harefield Close, he started to turned left, I thought he just forgot as he is never well. So I called his name, at least 15-20 times! and get no response :S. Called on radio to the ward for few times, no response either. D: At the end called on C3 reception base, which [finally] someone respond to my call. Briefly said who and what happened on the radio. Then I started hearing unit coordinator started calling all response team to camlet 3. I know I was going to get the support. At the same time being worried because he was walking fast and far, I didn't want to get lost myself, especially I didn't know when radio was going to be out of range. I kept go on radio saying which road we were and towards what direction (morning with sunshine, this is the only time I'm good at direction! thank god!). Up till a place I called him again, he turned back and said "Who are you? go away!" (He sometimes would greet me with a big smile - and they are the same man!) So I could only follow him with a distance. Then we actually walked all the way to town (using a very long route). I borrowed mobile phone from one of two men I saw, which he happily lent me his iphone. When I was reporting, the patient was already very far from me (he's at least 6'3, and he doesn't walk slow!). Charged nurse from the ward asked me to go back, just go back. I replied with "I don't even know how to go back!" no phone, no wallet, not even a coin, no oyster card, no card (if got home key I can go home to get some money lol). So decided to try my luck on meeting a nice bus driver who would just take me to the hospital anyway (I believe everyone would). But upon reaching the bus stop, the response team came in a van! OMG, the whole feeling was just too complicated that I forgot to feel happy that they're finally here, yes I mean I forgot. The other charged nurse from my ward was in the van (sometimes call her mama xx as they all like to treat me like a baby). Then I told them the direction where I last seen him, and we managed to get him. But again he asked who they were (I didn't go down the car, just in case it was my problem) and shoo them away. We called the police. The police took quite sometime to come which isn't really usual (probably because today is a bank holiday - Good Friday). He told the police he wasn't a patient but a law student =.=. But police officers managed to get him into our van. Throughout the journey he kept on talking which.. his speech couldn't be understood. Though he also kept saying 'please stop whispering about me thank you'. (Sometimes we weren't even talking... =.=) Reached the ward, nothing much to note after that.

I think I had done well, and am grateful I had done running in the past (and still doing sometimes when the mood comes xD). Most staff think the same though some think I didn't really have to follow him for that far. Following him up is not necessary, as all we need to do is report what happened then we have done our part. But I felt I could manage, so I didn't choose to give up. :D But then now I think it's actually quite bad if he walked to somewhere I don't even know, and I'm there with no money, phone, identity etc. (I probably wouldn't have gone after him then). Then again everyone saw me would ask how I am / how I feel (they might not be able to believe their baby can take all these xD). They even planned to cancel another patient community leave as I was put down to take someone else to Hyde park and Camden town today - they think I'd done and walked enough. But at the end I still chose to go. And so now I'm knackered.

Overall, good experience, learnt something. I still like my job :D.

(When I typed that last sentence, all in a sudden remember that another patient called me fucking bitch when we couldn't facilitate smoke break. ehmm.. another long story, but then other patients actually tried to comfort me, so I was okay)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Adele's Someone Like You


Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

P.S. She's good!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Second time this year

Bought my tickets to go back for my eldest bro's wedding this summer.
and yes, I'm flying home again.
Supposingly I wanted to get Singapore airlines as I'd then get to try the A380 double deck airbus (which, according to Bpeng, is super comfortable! :D)
but I spent too much time considering (actually just one night) and the price raise by £30+, and made the difference between sg airlines and Etihad airlines over £100
So I shall wait for my next opportunity........

P.S. April is coming, quarter of 2011 is going soon. This is getting unbelievable..

P.S. 2 People should really learn that by saying "Live life to the fullest", it doesn't mean working crazily or make your life real busy and filled, but do what you really want to do and what that will make you really contented, at the same time enjoy doing them! And don't forget to be grateful.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Japan, the world shares your grief

I don't want to see the pictures and the videos, but when I was in the ward, I can't help stopping by the TV watching the news seeing how it's like now. I want to know how they are now, but at the same time I can't bear the pain T__T

It just reminded me years ago the Si Chuan earthquake, that was a final exam period in May, every morning I woke up, read those news with my breakfast, hoping things were getting better, at the same time being very thankful I could be sitting there and studying for my exam (there were kids who were in class and buried under the school buildings when it happened)

Japan, stay strong.

and people, we should all learn to be more grateful...


P.S. sometimes it's terrifying to think what the nature can do to us little humans..

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I despise you

I wasn't feeling very well (physically + psychologically) when I went to work today. Physically unwell was due to the weather - the temperature just dropped so much suddenly T__T

I am not very sure why I wasn't in very good mood, until before I got home, I spoke to one of the patients in games area, and that really helped. I think I helped him, and in return that has helped me indirectly.

What we discussed made me realized I am really not happy with those qualified nurses who want to work awful loads of bank shifts and long days, but come to work and sit in front of computer, surf the net and do online shopping, otherwise gossiping about others. These people think only about their pay, never have one to one with their patients, never spend time outside the office, never understand their patients. They never think how to help the patients. They never know whether their patient is happy, is feeling safe, is ok, is progressing in the ward. They care nothing but money.

I don't know how they become a nurse, a nurse without a heart of helping patients getting better. I told the patient I wanted to speak to the ward manager regarding that, and he said no. He said he was telling me because he treats me as a friend, and those are friends talk, he said it's ok, he can get himself out of there and he is progressing, he can talk to the consultant every week (or sometime fortnightly). I feel sad for this whole system, for them. Those people are so well paid to help them, yet they get no help, nobody talks to them. There was once he requested to have a one to one with his named nurse, the named nurse asked him to wait till weekend, but nothing happened during the weekend. The fact is, those named nurses are supposed to ask to have one to one with the patients! Then I told the patient, I know and have seen all these happen in front of me, yet I could do nothing. That's why I was so upset. Actually it might not be true.. I think I could do something.. =)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Equal Opportunity and Diversity

Attended a mandatory training course today which covered Equal Opportunity and Diversity, Health and Safety, Fire, Safeguarding Vulnerable Adults and Children, Infection Control, and Confidentiality and Information Governance. The first session was the one with the most discussions and debates, that the presenter didn't even manage to complete 50% of her slides within the given time.

As a woman, I think quite often we receive positive discrimination (PD). PD, according to the presenter, is unlawful. Give a very obvious example. The ward that I'm working on is a male ward, although there are slightly more female than male staff in the ward, there are quite a number of jobs that could only (or preferably) completed by male staff. E.g. searching service users coming back from unescorted (ground/community) leave, there are about 4-8 times a day in my ward now (more coming); doing their UDS (Urine Drug Screen) etc. And yet, I couldn't really think of a job (in my ward) that can only be done by female. So see? It could be unfair... (just could be, because we are very nice females, so we would even that up with doing some other jobs for the male staff).

The presenter gave an example of "positive action" (which is lawful) - a university lower the entry requirement for the ethnic minority (I think she used "Blacks" during the presentation, which I think isn't appropriate), so the Whites have got to have 3As to enter while the Blacks could enter with 3Bs. She added further, it ended up with more Blacks dropping out, simple because they couldn't follow the course, as they were not as competent.

What do you think?

In that room, there were more ethnic minority (opps! so no longer "minority"?), there were more Blacks than Whites as well. I don't know what the others think. But to me, to give this example at the first place, IS already a discrimination itself! Think about it again. One, the whole example based on that "fact" (what they believe genuinely, but I don't think it's true at all) that Blacks are less intelligent than Whites (so that most of them can only enter with 3Bs, so that they would drop out even after they were admitted). Isn't this a discrimination? Nobody pointed that out, and of course I wouldn't. Because I'm neither a White nor a Black, and I wouldn't want to cause more debates or war. Two, I see no point of giving this example!

I don't know what made the Whites always think they are more capable, more competent than the Blacks. From the people that I've known, I can confirm that Whites are no more intelligent than Blacks. Of course I have a Psychology degree, I should know how that conclusion came out, that some researchers did some research that they thought it was very well considered and fair - then concluded that Whites are simply better. I can tell you two things. One, it COULD be true in the past, but it's definitely no longer true. Given that they always think they're better, so they are far less hardworking (ok, I mean they're lazy), over decades they ended up with people who think they are good but only in talking Big. Two, the 'fact' just can't be true. Because research can never be fair, in a field (i.e. investigating intelligence) like this. Language is one thing, culture is another (and many more). Of course a Black could be born and brought up learning and speaking only English, in the Britain (as an English speaking and English culture example here), but how about his parents and external families? How about friends that he makes? Can the intelligence tests consider all these factors? It just can't be fair.

I don't know why I get myself into that Black & White Intelligence debates. It seems that I'm in favour of Blacks. But the fact is, no, I'm not, I'm just not in favour of Whites (see my post Discrimination), especially when it comes to the feelings that they think they are better in any and every way than the others.

Of course, there are very intelligent Whites, very intelligent Blacks, very intelligent Mixed, Brown, Yellow, Colourful, whatever. I'm not writing to offend anyone, especially my White friends. I'd happily accept if they're in "fact" more intelligent, yet this thing can't be proven (and we dont have to! What is the point of doing that?). And more importantly, I wish the Whites are aware, that their thought of they're better naturally, are going to make them less competitive and more lazy, are making them worse which in some days later, would reflect through genes.


P.S. I wouldn't disagree that myself is also discriminating. Afterall, that's just a mean of "categorizing" like I mentioned in my other post. There are always debates. But I'd suggest the presenter who do topics like this should have more concerns.


Just a little add-on
I mentioned languages, so often one of my White colleagues enjoys correcting others' grammar mistakes, I remember there was once my Black colleague replied, "please! English is not my first language". Exactly! Can you speak Mandarin, Malay, Hokkien, Cantonese like me? If you could, I'm going to speak English just as good as you do! Although, I'm quite happily corrected, because that's a mean of learning, but sometimes this man could be annoying to others who don't pay as much attention to grammars.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Journey to the East

In Dubai International airport now. Another 10 hours of wait =.=

So far everything has been great, apart from the fact that I didn’t manage to get some sleep during my first flight, instead I watched 3 movies – Salt, 127 Hours and Love in Disguise (Mandarin).

And also my head was hit by a baggage from an old man sitting in front of me. I didn’t know how that happened, as I wasn’t facing him, just got hit, heard sorrys. I didn’t say “it’s ok” this time, because it wasn’t ok at all! I know that isn’t intentional, I know he apologized, but I didn’t smile and show my friendly face at all =/. It really hurts =S. Hopefully it’s not going to show any symptoms that are going to cost my holidays =S.

Very thankful though, for all the guys that had offered a hand to carry my big luggage. As I put my laptop backpack in it (until before I checked the luggage in), so I guess it was at least 25-6kgs. Whenever I see stairs my face turns green, and whenever guys see me by the stairs they offered help! But I can see that their faces turn green when they’re carrying it. Ha ha ha. I’m sure next time they would forget the heroic act xD.


OK let’s talk about the movies. I have heard about Salt being a great movie, I’d say it’s quite good, but just.. hmm, ok, it made me feel like those Jackie Chan’s action movies, which I’m already quite bored watching them, but then Jackie Chan’s are still way better, because they always make you laugh, and I do think the “actions” are more presentable, compared to Salt. But still, it’s good.

127 hours. I heard extreme views about it. Some said it was good, I read from paper saying it’s a must watch. Whereas there are also friends who class it as one of the worst movies they’ve ever watched. I’d say it’s just OK. Although I expected something better, especially having known that its director was the one of Slumdog Millionaire. At some points it was a bit boring. And, I don’t normally enjoy movies with known storyline and/or endings. The 127 Hours, apparently based on true story, and the whole storyline (i.e. he cut his hand off etc) could be read anywhere on news or reviews when it first came out. Still, recommended.

Love in Disguise. what can I say? I know it isn’t good. I watched simply because I want to show sign of support to LeeHom, although, hahaha, I’m not watching in cinema anyway. It’s OK. The funny thing is, it’s trying to be funny, the normal-serious-me wouldn’t laugh at all, yet it managed to get me laugh quite a few times (which could be a bit embarrassing, but I don’t care =p). And also it was landing, so I handed back my earphone, I missed the last part song, which I guess is very important and central to the movie. (well, the whole movie is about music, isn’t it!)


My plan for next journey is sleep. I wouldn't even mind skipping the meals, and get only drinks. But I wonder if I would be able to sleep. Otherwise I'm going to watch Eat Pray Love. Haha, planned! I saw Conviction in the list as well, but I have it in my laptop, so would rather not watch on that little screen where you see your own reflection when you watch =.=

No plan for now! I honestly don't know what time it is in Dubai now. I only know I've got so long to wait. And I don't feel tired and secure to sleep, just like that. Before sitting down I've already walked from middle to west end of the whole airport, then walked to east end (where I'm sitting now). The airport is such a "class" that I couldn't even find a place to get a bottle of water, till I'm wondering whether I should get a Smirnoff or some branded perfume and drink them like water!

There was a frozen yoghurt shop (pinkberry?) that I feel like visiting. And also I could get a meal in Emirates Lounge (for passengers who transit for more than 4 hours), but I'm quite sure I'm not very interested in their food, ALTHOUGH their airlines (i.e. Emirates) served great meals. I had lamb curry just now, just feel like eating rice. Other than that I'd just wonder around, and try to spend some of my USD if I can find them in my bag =X. (they use AED/DHS, I only have GBP, RM and USD with me). And also they have got awful lots of places where you can use for charging your mobiles/notebooks + wireless - which should keep me entertained. (their plug same with UK's)

OK. Off to find water!

P.S. sad! why am I a fast typist? This long wordy post could have taken more time!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

That's why I always say communication is important

Read this:

I don't believe this is true, despite the fact that the study found no significant difference comparing the two. But still, I find that astonishing, since it could be true to a certain degree, for most people.

...

The more I think about real life situations and examples, the more I'm convinced that these researchers are right.

So, speak out. =)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Discrimination?

I didn't realize myself take that by heart, that I woke up early in the morning, recalling what they said, just like that. I thought I've been in this country long enough to be immune from discrimination - remember there was once when I was chatting with the ward doctor (a british who was born and brought up in the uk, and of India origin), I told him I don't care about (racial/colour) discrimination anymore, I'd just take it, because we're all human and it's normal to discriminate (in other word, it's just "categorizing"), I even gave him an example that through the 3+ years part time job that I've got during Uni, White people from this country are certainly far more lazy than others (and are only good in "talking" instead of "doing"), and I said "see? I discriminate them as well".

Yesterday came in a shift realized my favourite colleague was sent out to do two community leaves during one shift, and somehow I felt they bullied her, of course I didn't put it that way, but when she came in, I just said XXX you're a star!!. Then the other two started to tease me, saying "look at you". I know they were joking, but still I told them I came in 4 shifts in a row, and going out every single shift, which they didn't really listen to. The two person who teased me, one was a nursing assistant who never really does community leave, and whenever she is put down to do it, she would pick the person that she wants to take (and there are only 2 of them), or else she would do whatever to get herself out of it. While another is a qualified who probably has done only 1-2 community leave since the ward started 6 months ago. Opps, I forgot - both are Whites.

The whole incident was behind my mind all day long. I really didn't realize I actually mind it. It seems like my brain didn't manage to resolve the conflict feelings through dreams (a theory by Griffin & Tyrrell), so I was waken up and ... decided to blog about it ha ha.

And yes, I feel better. =)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bye Bye UK's Bpeng

Just came back from Birmingham this afternoon, went for a short trip to say good bye to UK's Bpeng. Hahaha. So what's this "UK's Bpeng"? Because I'm sure we're going to meet when I'm back to Klang, and hopefully we'd be friends for the rest of our lives. Yet she's leaving England on coming Tuesday, for good, i.e. probably not coming back anymore (unless for travelling? which wouldn't happen in near future). So the goodbye is only for the Bpeng in UK. xD

Although we hadn't lived together since June 2010. But we had been staying together since Sept 2006, in Harwick the student hall, then 2+ years in Elmfield house in Cheltenham. Without her I probably wouldn't even have come to this country =O. And she has been a very very very supportive and helpful housemate + friend + companion + coursemate =D.

Some pictures of us =D

Ski Trip in Austria. Dec 2008.

Fake smile xD. Dec 2008

Sammi's house. March 2009.

Graduation. Nov 2009.

Chiquito. June 2010.

Greece Trip. Oct 2010.

Thanks for everything and I wish all the best for you. =)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

11.01.11

2011.01.11, doesn't really mean anything to me, although LiJi tweet that we would have to wait for another thousand years until we get 11.01.11 again, yet I replied her, even it is 12.01.11 or 13.01.11, you would have to wait for another thousand years as well. So why make it so different, when every day could also be a special day? Ha ha. Originally I was saying that just to trick her =p

Received the parcel sent from pama and ahjeh October last year, brighten my day =). Nothing special, just some milos, oats etc. At some point of today, I was thinking about the parcel, till this came to my mind "now that I've got nothing, but MILO!" lol. 6.6kg. Crazy!

Few days ago, noticed from facebook that two high school friends went into a relationship. The girl is one of my besties, where we knew each other since we were 10 years old and by heart I treasure our friendship. I was shocked, One is the fact that they two, the two of them that I know quite well, went into a relationship, Two is that how could I know nothing at all? How can I know her getting into a relationship through facebook?!?!!! Although I didn't really believe it, as the possibility isn't high (in fact, it's super low), yet I chose to believe, and gave my blessings. Turned out what? Yesterday it was revealed that that's just a trick, for fun, to trick Bpeng in particular. What can I say? Nowadays we really shouldn't believe anything, trust anyone huh?!?! Nonsense. I'm going to punish her when I'm back!! Yes, I mean it!! =( You people should just learn the story of the boy who cried wolf!! Next time I ain't going to believe nothing!

I just realized that my blog has turned into such a personal one, that I don't blog about research, news, interesting, impersonal stuff anymore. =O

Friday, January 07, 2011

Pure Grumbling

I'm just surprised how people can make a whole big issue when they're jealous and had been looking so hard to pick on you.

And I'd been waiting for someone who actually wasn't happy about it to come to talk to me face to face, and guess what? Nobody mentions it at all. They chose to back-stab me. I know why, because they never really get the opportunity. Now that they've got it, they will make full use of it.

But I'm still grateful. For people who know me, who would stand up for me, and would tell me face to face about it and about these people. So I learnt, learnt from the mistake, learnt their true faces and learnt how I'm going to return the favour next time, although I don't think I'm evil like them! BUT I will try! =/

P.S. actually there is only one person, yet I'm saying "they" because I know how easily people get themselves into those gossips and backstabbing.

P.S. 2 Being excellent in my own job is just my nature. Stop being jealous!

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Good Bye 2010 and Happy 2011

It's 2011.01.01 and I'm now in the ward doing night shift. A bit strange not having any particular feelings welcoming a new year, probably because I'm working. But it's probably the best night shift that I've ever done because I'm doing it with someone who can keep me talking and listening all night.

I would normally blog about what I've achieved and experienced at the end of each year. But this time I'm not going to bother those bits and pieces, just some significant memories that come to my mind at the moment.

Beginning of last year Erge has got married, which is my first sibling getting married, and made my family into seven members, major event of my family in recent years. I also went back for Chinese New Year after missing it for 4 consecutive years.

Major life change would be the job that I have got at April and started working full time for the North London Forensic Service at July, which is my first ever full time job. A job I have enjoyed to the fullest and been trying to learn as much as I could. It changes my mind regarding how I can help the mentally ill, stimulate my brain, and inspire me what I want to do in the future. Get to know group of very supportive and helpful colleagues.

Surprisingly this year, opps, I mean last year we only visited Greece - normally would have been to more places. That was a great trip with Bpeng, Peiman and Felicia - hopefully not our last trip together.

Other than that, there was also my first blood donation experience (New Blood!), moving out to live on my own in London (Officially a Londoner), first theatre experience watching the Phantom of the Opera and first thought of seeing someone from an entirely different culture.

And I'm just very grateful, for whatever I've got in the past years, hoping the 2011 would be good as well, if not better. That's for now. Wishing everyone a blessed and healthy year. =)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Hmmph!

Can't bear this bad feeling after the phone call =S
I wonder if I did anything wrong, where I couldn't see the problem at all
yet she was saying it as if she is just trying to be nice
so I must be the baddie, with very bad communication skills, and worse, I can't manage my emotions. Though I could only be silent when I was angry and upset

Perhaps think it this way, too many good things happened on me, and there must be up and down in life =S
I know I can take this, it shouldn't keep me low for long
and I will pay for it, whatever it costs
but woman, I'm doing this, because I don't want to be rude


P.S. Merry Christmas!
Can't wait for boxing day next! Shopping time xD =X

P.S. My housemates are bloody good cooks and they are nice people!
I should have realized this earlier =)

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Here comes December

Unbelievable, it's already December of 2010!!!
Just 3 more weeks until Christmas and 4 weeks until 2011!
and 1 more month till I work for half a year in north london forensic service.
Still considering whether to get the tickets to fly back during chinese new year!
Just because I'm sure I will be going back during May-June for gogo's wedding, and probably end of the year for good, I really see no point of going back 3 times a year if I go back during February.
But then! I don't know what I can do with my annual leaves..
In general colleagues take their annual leaves and rest at home.. But having 1-2 day off a week is more than enough for a hyper person like me..
I don't need annual leaves to relax =S
I want to go travelling, but it's cold and SNOWING everywhere, plus bpeng and the others are going back for cny.
I don't want to be here with friends and colleagues who don't celebrate cny =S
So... go back?

Talk about snowing! Remember first year when we came, how desperate we were to see snow
how excited we were to see a bit of snow!
and look at now! it's just autumn! it's just november when it started to snow!
and it snowed cats and dogs!! (opps! does this idiom exist? xD)
In the ward we have got the x'mas tree up and decorations all over the place already.. plus the snowing scenes.. just lovely!
I really enjoy watching snow, beautiful! =)))

On Monday went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow with a patient
it was good =)
but I feel it was a bit dragging unlike the previous ones, it could be the cold in the cinema as the heating wasn't working
thanks to my patient who was trying to warm my hand.. haha =.=
Then I watched a second time with another patient yesterday..
Could have let somebody else go if I knew he was going to watch HP as well
Anyway, I still couldn't think of another job better than mine at the moment =p

Not sure where are the girls now.. must be all over the places with their families
Congratulations to bp, pm and fs for their graduations! though it was long time ago =.=

Hmmm.. Let's just enjoy the last bits of the year!

Friday, November 19, 2010

I don't want to see this happens

A bit of heartache. A patient was restraint to be given his depot today, and I was part of the restrain members. This patient, he had been muted for about 2 years, and when he first came to our ward, I was the first person he spoke to, and the ward manager was quite impressed that I managed to get him talked. Now that I saw that happened, I feel pain for him. He's not a difficult patient, 100% not. But this happens every week. Because he doesn't want to consent that he has got mental illness, by accepting the depot voluntarily, it simply means he has got mental illness, so he would decline, so we would need to restrain and inject him. He was strongly defending, 6-7 of us were holding him, and he still managed to move. After this, I've got no courage to look into his eyes. For no reasons, I feel guilty. =.=

This reminds me of another patient's words. At first he defended himself, he fought back. That led to more medications and seclusion, so he learnt, he learnt to be complied, because he wants to get himself out of here. Are patients actually getting better, or do they just learn to pretend better?

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

No fear

今天在巴士上擠沙丁魚的時候 收到六個 missed calls (話説巴士擠得根本不可能把手機拿出來 只能尷尬地讓它一直震動)
後來下了巴士 才發現六個 missed calls 都來自經理的手機 因爲我的 mentor 把我寫給他的話轉給他了
今天是我的假日 也是他的假日 可是他知道后 就打了那麽多多多多電話給我
回他電話 講了十多分鐘 還聽見他的小孩在吵鬧 xD
真的工作狂一個

事情是關於我值夜班的時候 一些不負責任的 seniors 爲了睡覺把我一個人留在 ward 裏 連休息的機會都沒有 (重點不在我休息與否 在於把一個 23 嵗的女生獨自留在 18 個有犯罪前科的male ward, 爲了不要讓同事看見而間接連累當晚的seniors 所以我選擇用中文打 =.=)
本來我想讓事情過去了 也以爲已經過去了 沒想到 mentor 放假回來看見我上個星期的 email
就馬上讓經理知道了 跟經理說完話 心情還沒怎麽能平復
我怎麽會有那麽好的經理和 mentor..?!?!
昨天才說起這個 supervisor (mentor) 真的超好 今天又要稱讚他們兩個一次了
很多時候 會有麻煩 會有一點委屈 會很累 可是每次都因爲這些很善良很 supportive 的 seniors, 而覺得沒有事情了
有時候 晚上九點值完班 同事會覺得外面很黑很冷 把我送到家門口
不是我眼淺(吧?) 是他們真的很照顧我
說到底 其實來來去去 有問題的都是一樣的人 我開不開口 這兩三個人也一直是大家不希望一起工作的人 (天 用中文敍述事情好難!)
不管怎樣 身在這個 ward 還是沒有辦法不覺得太幸運~ XD
I'm never scared, never afraid, never feel threaten, because whenever things happen, I know a whole bunch of them would be there for me, would give me a hand, would stand up for me, and this bunch of people, includes probably 70% of the patients.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

NHS, are you helping them?

Took a patient out on grounds today, had a very thoughtful conversation with him, or should I say, he has told me about his thought regarding the way this place treating mentally ill patients, and whether or not this is helping them.

I have had this thought probably since the second month I work there - are we helping them? are they progressing? should they be here or in the community? You wouldn't believe it until you actually work there, that how much money NHS is spending on them, and what is actually coming in returns.

Well, I'm not a qualified nurse, neither am I a clinical psychologist (yet), I might not give the most accurate fact that reflects the truth, but the patients, they are the central of the whole system (the hospital, the treatments, the multidisciplinary team, the nhs), shouldn't their thought count and be deeply considered? I know, some of them are really not that well, what they say might not be beneficial to themselves, and they might be saying all these simply because they want to get themselves out of the hospital. But this particular patient, he just spoke out what I think, that there is no point of keeping them there, for years and years, doing nothing every day, not knowing when they will be discharged, not being involved in the outside world etc etc. If we want to give them treatment and make them better, we should do it every day, every single day, not like once a week. If we were to organize courses, make it a daily one, not like once a week. The thought of not knowing when they can leave is simply depressing - and I strongly agree with this. They all know they are wasting their time, their lives, missing many important parts of lives, losing contacts with theirs loved ones. I actually feel sad when I heard these, because I know he is right.

Unlike yesterday when another patient told me that he has wasted too much time in the hospital, he wants to get out and carry on with his life, I was still aware that this patient will still have to stay for longer, as I know his condition isn't really good, especially when he first came, he was so unsettled. But patient that I took out today, I deeply hope that he would get himself out asap and never come back.

You know, I don't mean that all the patients should be discharged in 2-3 months.. There are always cases taking few years until they really recover. The thing is, when we keep them in there, why are we keeping them in there? And are they progressing? Are we helping them? I mean if we were to keep them for 10 years, make sure they are getting better in these 10 years, but not getting depressed not knowing when the stay would come to an end. Like what the patient said, they would have to be very strong, very tough, to be able to stay there for that long without any suicidal thought. I could imagine that, it's not easy, at all.

And guess what, I will listen to him - the day and the time when I become a clinical psychologist, I would do my best to make sure myself, also including the system are helping these people (just that, by the time I wouldn't be in the UK anymore). I know how advance this country is, but it doesn't mean their methods are always right and good, and sometimes, things keep on developing, and it could simply and blindly not developing to a right direction.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Patient Kicked off

It was my first day doing response in the ward yesterday.

Firstly I think I'd explain what is "response"? Basically every single staff and visitor would carry an alarm whenever they are in the ward. And when emergency cases happen (e.g. patients trying to attack you, patients fighting, patients doing self harm etc), we would press the alarm. In every ward, there would be one staff who is doing response in every shift. They carry a radio, a bunch of keys and a pager. So when someone presses the alarm, it would first come on the pager, saying, for example XX ward, staff base (or games area, or dining room, or west corridor etc, wherever the emergency case takes place. and yes, the alarm would locate where the person who presses the alarm is).

My first ever experience doing response yesterday was in another ward down stairs, which is an acute ward. I was the first two arriving there, and saw a patient was kicking off, but was restraint by 2 female staff (which apparently was from that ward itself), so the male response team took over the restraint (we learnt this during the TAMVA course, see my previous post).

The patient was very very unstabled, apparently he was responding to external stimuli, asking "why are you doing this to me? come fight me! you coward! come fight me. you spoilt my life. i lost everyone in my life now. now! come fight me" etc etc. For 10 minutes, he was talking with another person who doesnt exist. Staff trying to calm him down, but he couldn't listen to any of us and just carried on shouting. He tried to hit his head, tried to kick (his hands were restraint, and at the end so were his legs) and refused any medications.

About 15 minutes later, he stopped. And I could see his hands really trembling, he asked, "what happened?" The staff said they would discuss it later, they want him to rest for a while first, and calm down first. He said "I'm really scared. What happened? What just happened? Did I hurt anyone? I'm really scared" Despite staff stating that he did not hurt anyone, apparently he was so worried and scared about what just happened, he had entirely no memory on what just happened, and his hands were really shaking. At this point, he took his medications, but still asking what just happened. We left his room after he took the medications.

I went back to my ward after that, about 3 hours later when I was on another response in the same ward, I saw him, and he looked really fine, calm and steady, pacing in the ward. (This second response was another patient refusing depot and got a bit aggressive).

I'm happy he wasn't sent into seclusion room. I guess one main reason was because their ward seclusion was occupied at the moment, if they wanted to send this patient to seclusion, it would have to be the seclusion in my ward.. and that would really keep my ward busy and more unsettled. But I'm happy not because of this reason, I think sending patients like this into seclusion room wouldn't help them, when you're in an total empty room, four walls, one mattress and nothing else, for 24 hours every day, that would just make their conditions worse. They would simply become more unsettled.

It's the first time I really noticed one patient actually kicked off, it was really a shock in me, especially when I saw how he trembled and scared not knowing what himself just did. and am glad how settled my ward patients are. Though it's good, that I start doing response and see what is happening in other wards.

When I went back to my ward, passed by my manager's office, he asked how it was and I told him what happened. He said "good stuff", I thought that was just his habit of saying it. But when I went back to office, they all asked me how it was. Haha, the charged nurse told me, Phil worried that I couldn't handle it, but she said I look like I could survive everything, and I'd proven her right. =)